Power Rankings - Christmas Gifts for Tiger Woods

No. 10 - A new six iron

You would probably assume that for a golfer, replacing a club his vindictive (and rightfully so) wife ruined by smashing his window. That said, I'm convinced Tiger could win the Masters with a 3 wood, pitching wedge, and putter which is the reason the six iron comes in at number 10. That, and Nike probably provided him with a new set three weeks ago.

No. 9 - A gift certificate to the Bunny Ranch

The Bunny Ranch is one of the more prominent houses of ill repute in Las Vegas and the subject of an HBO late night documentary series. Or so I've been told.

No. 8 - A Segway

Had Tiger not had to take the time to fire up his Escalade, he might have been able to get away cleanly. His window would not have been broken, and he would have looked a whole lot cooler during his desperate attempt to flee. Unless he had to go uphill...or hit a fire hydrant.

No. 7 - A second cell phone

I'm not sure why he didn't have a couple to begin with. My assumption would be that he carried an iPhone in one pocket with a Blackberry in the other. My assumption appears as though it would be wrong. Also, with the new phone, I'd suggest NOT using your ladies' real names.

No. 6 - Adult videos

I know. I know. "Why would a guy who can attain 15 affairs need porn?" Because if the wife catches you with porn, you sleep on the couch. If she catches you with another woman, she'll get possession of it.

No. 5 - False teeth

I imagine putting would be quite difficult when you can't stop whistling through the gap where your tooth used to be.

No. 4 - Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG)

As if Tiger's personal relationships weren't enough of a news item, his trainer is being investigated for distributing steroids. So what is hCG? A woman's hormone that seems to be used for masking the use of steroids. I don't know if Tiger's guilty of juicing, but it wouldn't hurt to try this stuff out since, if nothing else, he clearly already has abnormally high testosterone levels.

No. 3 - Shatterproof car windows

Obviously, Tiger needs a new rear driver's side window. I'd suggest shatterproof this time, for obvious reasons. Then again, if this one had been impenetrable, his wife never would have been able to break it and drag him to safety after his unfortunate driving.

No. 2 - Fake mustaches

I'd recommend the kind that comes complete with the new nose and stylish glasses. Either way, his new ladies won't know his identity, and his next marriage won't be wrecked by the same mistakes. Who wants a mustache ride?

No. 1 - "I still love you, please don't take half my stuff" ring

The tried and true method for apologizing for cheating on your wife. As Kobe Bryant showed, the standard size is 8 carats per affair. That puts Tiger up to about a 120 carat ring.

Power Rankings - Christmas Cookies and Candy

Continuing in my week-long series on Christmas Power Rankings, day two will focus on the cookies most worthy of being staked out. Instead of fighting over the crappy cookies, I'd recommend choosing the ones on this list to make your stand. Of course, if there's only one left regardless of which kind, anything goes. All that said, if you'd rather use this post for good, just click the name to get a recipe.

10. Snowball Cookies

Though certainly not the worst cookies you'll encounter, it's not something I'll be filling myself with. That said, I would imagine most people would enjoy almonds with a bit of cookie holding it together and smothered in powdered sugar.

9. Rum Balls

There's always room on this list for a cookie with rum in it. Unfortunately, there's not a lot in these that will make you drunk. You're better off about making another trip to that box of wine. That doesn't mean that don't taste good.

8. Anise Cookies

I've always equated these to being the traditional Christmas cookie. Their taste is decent - albeit a bit like licorice - but unspectacular. The real benefit that these cookies will bring to the table in their ability to be easily decorated.

7. Ginger Snaps

Who doesn't love tearing apart a gingerbread house? This is like getting to do that without the hassle of building one and wasting time separating the gingerbread from the gumdrops, which are good, but not together.

6. Gumdrops

Unlike the rest of these, I've never encountered homemade gumdrops, but that doesn't mean they don't belong. That said, be warned of licorice and clove. The best part? You'll be picking them out of your teeth for weeks.

5. Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

I'm not sure what makes these Christmas cookies. They don't have Christmas colors or traditional Christmas flavors. Why can't we make these in July? I think I've just discovered my life's mission.

4. Christmas Wreaths

These are essentially Rice Krispy Treats made with Corn Flakes and tons of green food coloring with cinnamon red hots acting as berries. If they weren't such a hassle to make (It's impossible to resist drinking the first batch of butter/marshmallow concoction. Then, you need to take time for vomiting.), they'd rate higher.

3. Peppermint Bark

I've never had this homemade either, but I imagine it wouldn't be too difficult. If Paula Deen can do it, I'm sure I can. And if Paula Deen cooks it, you know it's too unhealthy to taste bad.

2. Chocolate Chip Cookies

So I know these aren't inherently Christmas cookies, and I know they aren't as fancy as the other ones here. But many times I stare at the tray of cookies and end up with chocolate chip. Perhaps the popularity drives me to get mine before everybody else gets there's.

1. Forgotten Cookies

There's really no way to categorize this cookie. The best I can do is to describe it as dried frosting, only much fluffier. Make it with or with out the chocolate chips, it's the world's best cookie either way.

Power Rankings - Christmas Songs You've Never Heard

Sticking with the theme du jour, I've decided to put together a week of power rankings related to Christmas. First things first, since you can only listen to Christmas music for about 5 weeks a year (and two of those are already gone) without drawing strange looks from the guy in the cubicle next to you (despite his jamming to Alanis Morrisette), I'll start with those.

5. Christmas with the Devil (Spinal Tap)

Spinal Tap, most notable for their documentary film, performed this song for the Arsenio Hall Show. Unfortunately, the video is old and the audio isn't very high quality. (I suppose some of you will suggest that it's actually the quality of the song that's not good, but I digress.) Hopefully, your speakers go to 11.

4. The Chanukah Song (Neil Diamond)

Unfortunately, the song is the exact same as Adam Sandler's original, but there's just something about throwing in a random "ba ba baaaa" into the song as in: "Chanukah is the festival of lights. (Ba ba baaaa)"

3. Another Christmas Song (Stephen Colbert)

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

Performed as part of his 2008 Christmas special (available now on DVD) as a shameless self promotion, the song is sure to never become a Christmas favorite, but that's fine because it will be on this list for years to come.

2. Jingle Bells (The Detroit Pistons c. 2006)

Words escape me.

1. O Holy Night (Eric Cartman)

O Holy Night was my favorite Christmas song as a child. At this point, not so much. And then I heard Cartman sing it. I know it's a pretty common song, but it's still worth posting. If you want originality, try this.

The good and bad of Christmas specials

Few things are more pleasing to me than coming home from work flipping on the TV and watching the flickering colors until I fall asleep in my chair 6 hours later. I know, I know, sleep is for the weak. So is reading, hypocrite. Regardless, I've found an increasingly annoying number of Christmas specials to be replacing worthwhile television programming. So in my effort to do all of your thinking for you, allow me to advise you as to which ones are worth watching.

Before continuing, allow me to explain that I will not comment on Christmas movies, regardless of whether or not they were made for TV (A Diva's Christmas Carol). Here's a day-by-day schedule filled mostly with atrocities that details the crap we'll be subjected to over the next few weeks. My only regret is that I didn't realize they started back in March.

First and foremost, if you live in the United States, as I assume most of you do, count your lucky stars that the winners of your reality singing competitions look like this, and not like this. That's right, last night Carrie Underwood hosted a Christmas special on FOX. Don't worry if you missed it, she'll grace our TVs once again on December 22, and though it's not there yet, I'd assume it'll be on Hulu.com soon. In the mean time, our Limey counterparts will be graced by the lovely presence of Susan Boyle. I can't criticize her singing, but perhaps a radio special is more appropriate.

On a more traditional front, you all know about Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, neither of which will have me putting the remote down, but to each his own, I suppose. However, to prove that making horrible sequels isn't new, I submit Rudolph's Shiny New Year. It's a touching tale of Rudolph rescuing Baby New Year before midnight and thus allowing the New Year to commence, a story based on the little known second verse of the classic carol. As far as Frosty the Snowman goes, it's sequel, which included an aerosol spray that immediately melted snow leave a bit to be desired as well. Though not as bad as Rudolph's second installment, it's only worth your time if you can get out of work to view it. There is one Frosty sequel that's worth your time (because it's only two minutes long). That and Foxnews.com really doesn't want you to watch it. (Note to Fox: If you don't want people to watch it, the most effective way to keep people away is DEFINITELY to write a scathing post complete with links.)

In looking through the schedule, I notice a gratuitous lack of classic shows. Below are some of my favorite Christmas specials and episodes. Also, Fanpop has provided a list of 101 specials with links to where you can watch them.

Seinfeld

WKRP in Cincinnati (part 2)

ALF's Special Christmas

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

The Honeymooners (part 2) (part 3)

A Hannukah gift for her

According to CBS, who apparently cares, the gift to give your wife this Hannukah isn't a dreidel, a new menorah, or even this dog. No, the gift du jour is a pap smear (which, to Jews, is apparently pronounced as pap schmear).

Not Jewish? Don't worry, it works for Christmas, too. Though compared to a new vacuum cleaner, the doctor visit isn't quite as attractive.

So, to summarize, dreidel isn't as good as a pap smear which is almost as good as a vacuum cleaner. (If you decide to go with any of these, I'd suggest the Roomba. She'll leave you either way, but with a Roomba, at least you'll have a robot that does exactly what you've desired of her, crawl around on the floor and suck.)

That works great for men, but like CBS, I want to make sure I don't discriminate. What if you're a straight woman? Getting yourself a pap smear (What's the record for saying pap smear in a single blog entry?) would just come across as selfish. Remember, this is the season for giving. So what can you give?

Jewish? It still works.

Just to make sure you're reading this right, the most important thing you can do for your man this winter is to have someone stick their fingers up his butt. And don't think you won't get something out of his visit to the assman for yourself. It comes with free heterosexual confirmation to make sure you don't have ANOTHER boyfriend/husband turn gay. If he enjoys his appointment, it might be time to move on.

Another stupid study

Yesterday, I made the decision to use this forum for the common good by sharing the results of a study finding that texting while driving is more dangerous than simply driving while driving. My hope is that sharing those shocking findings stopped at least one of the four people who read this from putting themselves in danger. Today, I hope to use the same corner of the internet to prevent you from committing a web faux pas. It turns out, in a recent poll, the word "whatever" is the most hated word to come from the internet age.

A survey conducted from August 3-6, asked 938 adults which of the following words they found most annoying: whatever, you know, anyway, it is what it is, and at the end of the day. The polling was conducted by telephone and was followed up by asking what the most annoying thing about using the phone was. The overwhelming majority responded with "written in" retort: "this call." The rest responded, "Yo no hablo Inglés."

Beyond the absurdity of the question, I can't figure out what the point was. Clearly, this poll was conducted by adults with other adults as the targeted group. So by putting out a list of words adults find annoying, do they hope their 13-year-old daughter will stop using them? Seriously? I have to believe it was a bit more thought out than that. With such obvious options as "like,""lol" (or variations like lolz, rofl, or even roflol) and "j/k" being omitted, I think the hope is that by pretending they aren't annoyed by those words, they'll be replaced with "whatever."

Regardless, I happened to hear a recording of one of these calls (which had been recorded for quality assurance). Its transcrpit follows.

Pollster: Good evening, Mr. Johns. How are you this evening?

Mark Jones: Can I help you?

P: Yes. I'm conducting a poll for The Onion, and would like to ask you a few questions.

MJ: The Onion?

P: Yes, we're an online news source.

MJ: Just ask your question.

P: Alright. Our poll is inquiring about the word from the internet you find most annoying. Here are you choices, please pick the one you find more annoying than the rest. Ready?

MJ: Whatever...

P: "Whatever." Thank you very much for your time.

MJ: Wait. What? You didn't even list the...[click]...choices. Hello? (muttering) What a stupid question. My Hungry Man better not be cold. Whatever.

(End scene.)

Who pays for this stuff?

According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.

In related news:

Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!

Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.

A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.

Since you probably missed this

I feel like going out on a limb today and want to guess that if you're reading this, you didn't watch the Primetime Emmy Awards last night. That's fair. Neither did I. And I watch about 8 hours of TV each day. Generally, I'm a sucker for award shows, but last night, I was much more excited for football and a new episode of Entourage. Of course, the awards show turned into hot news this morning, and the reviews of the show along with lists of winners were everywhere. So here's a list of things we missed, some unfortunate, others to be thankful about. I'll start with the terrible things and work toward the things I wish I'd have seen.


In memoriam. It's typically a terrible portion of any awards show. Last night was made extra miserable by the presence Sarah McLachlan singing "I Will Remember You." I actually feel bad for the audience because she was there. This is normally the one segment of the show where you know you won't be videotaped during that portion. It's a chance to visit the bathroom, reapply your lipstick, have a quickie, or pick your nose. Nobody knows who the dead people are until the last 20 seconds anyway. Not only was the song lame and the live performance typically pompous, the fact that Sarah sounds more than a little cow-like. I'd credit this to her 2-minute-long SPCA commercials, but it's not really a new thing.

Next most annoying: choosing the wrong winners. For this, I have to admit that I watched the last half hour, but that's it. I swear. During that time, I saw 4 awards and disagreed with two of them. The winner for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series went to The Daily Show beating out The Colbert Report, amongst others. Jon Stewart hasn't been funny in three years and hasn't been funnier than Colbert since Colbert was on The Daily Show. Allow me to explain The Daily Show in fifteen words. Play video of President Bush saying something out of context. Make funny face. Await laughter. End explanation. Don't believe me? Watch tonight and tell me I'm wrong. And then watch Colbert at 11:30 when he'll likely feature another installment of "Who's not Honoring Me Now."

Not quite as bad was 30 Rock winning Outstanding Comedy Series besting The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Family Guy, Flight of the Concords, Weeds, and Entourage. Based solely on the order I would watch those shows if they were all on my DVR, I would put 30 Rock in third place, at best. The Office had one of its best seasons yet, and How I Met Your Mother transformed from a replacement for Monday Night Football into TV I would schedule my night around.

I'm neutral on the musical number Neil Patrick Harris opened the show with. You can watch the video below. I tend to not enjoy elaborate musical numbers, but there were some funny lyrics in this one.

Ricky Gervais should host this and every awards show. I posted a few videos of his previous Emmy appearances, or lack thereof, here. Last night provided more laughs as Ricky did his best "I'm not Barack Obama" impersonation by going off the teleprompter. I'm not sure why he hasn't taken off in the United States, but he remains one of the funniest people on earth. Certainly the funniest in England.

Finally, I'm now in love with the red carpet. Or should I say Blake Lively. Look at the picture above. It's almost enough to make me watch Gossip Girl. It's definitely enough to make me stop writing.

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year

The past few weeks, it seems as though people have really been on edge, and who can blame them? The Red Sox are playing well which means their fans have returned to their unbearable levels of smug. The Yankees are likely to join them in the playoffs, which pisses everybody else off. However, baseball isn't the only source of frustration.

Beyonce was robbed of the MTV Video Music Award for best female video by Taylor Swift, no less. I guess watching the two videos, Kanye had a point. I mean, Beyonce did make one of the best videos of all time! (By the way, who determined that Taylor Swift should write her own songs? At some point, shouldn't her manager pull her aside and inform her that they sound exactly the same? And that they aren't good in the first place? And for the record, if you think dressing like this will score you the hot guy you want when the competing girl is dressed like this, well, that's just crazy. Besides, what kind of message does it send 12-year-old girls? That you can be ugly and still get the hot guys? False. One more thing. Her genre is 100% pop with less country than Pepsi has nutritional value, so please, for the love of all that's sacred, stop calling her a country singer.)

Congressman Joe Wilson shouted "You lie" during the president's speech about health care, but what nobody's talking about is that he was using an earpiece to listen to ESPN radio. When they said his South Carolina Gamecocks would only win three games this year, he simply couldn't contain himself. Don't hate the player, hate ESPN.

But now that the fall is here, tempers have eased, and civility has been restored. The weather has cooled, football has kicked off, and scripted television has returned. As a result, the focus of this blog is likely going to change from a state of entropy to something discussing the shows worth watching on the TV. Of course, I promise I won't stop making fun of stupidity. It might even stop me from running out of things to write about.

Obviously, the summer wasn't without its share of shows worth watching. Shows like Entourage started in the summer (with Sloan featured in a much more prominent role), but with the majority of new programming being reality shows, there was little worth scheduling around. Thankfully, it's the most wonderful time of the year for couch potatoes.

End of boring post.

The news that matters to you

Few things in life irritate me more than the attention given to people who don't deserve it or get attention doing things I don't care about. Blame TMZ for getting it started, but this current trend in news coverage hardly ends there. HLN News and Views, formerly CNN Headline News, now has airs "Issues." That the one network that withheld their opinion now has an hour a day devoted to host Jane Valez-Mitchell's views on everyday issues isn't the most disturbing part. Check out her hair. How am I supposed to accept the opinions of a host who doesn't realize she sports a perfectly feathered mullet? It's one thing that she sports the hyphenated last name, but to also have a she-mullet? It's clear to me that there's no person in America who's more in touch with how we feel.

Speaking of which, I heard that Lindsay Lohan's house was robbed. She wasn't home, and nobody was hurt. I don't know why I'm supposed to care. I do feel compelled to point out that this happened the same night that Vince was burglarized on Entourage. I'm not saying it didn't really happen to Lindsay, but isn't it possible that she was on a bad trip and fell asleep with HBO on in the background? By the way, remember when Lindsay was relevant? And hot?

Though I'm not sure why the obsession with celebrities who haven't been busy in years or ones who never were, I really don't understand the fascination with celebrity couples. Unless it's me, I couldn't care less who Jennifer Aniston is dating. I care even less about who LeAnn Rimes is with. I didn't know anybody did. So I was a little shocked when I saw a picture of her with her new beau from a promotional poster for a Lifetime movie she did with him advertising their new relationship. I don't really care too much about the happy couple or the jealous ex husband, but I was shocked that she would ever allow a picture of her so closely resembling a blonde Michael Jackson to be made public...and not Thriller Michael either.

Speaking of dead celebrities, the owner of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe is auctioning it off on Ebay...and moving her dead husband's body in the process. The bidding ended today or else, I'd have provided a link, or at least placed a bid. Bidding started at $500,000 and was over $4,000,000 this morning. Though unsubstantiated, rumor has it the leading bidder at the time was TedKen1932. In an effort to help him out, I want to share some possible epitaphs for his eventual tomb.

"Take that, Jack"

"John - 69, Ted - Infinity"

"Yes, I'm buried upside down, but not so you can kiss my ass."

Internet video fun strikes back

I'm not sure if mascots getting wiped out is something new because they're doing more courageous (read as: stupider) things or if we just hear about it because the internet is so willing to share them all with us. I really don't care.

This first video comes from the Track and Field World Championships. It features Jamaican sprinter Melaine Walker, who had recently won the 400 meter hurdles in the second fastest time ever. As part of her victory celebration, she decided to mount Berlino, the mascot that the event organizers came up with for their event. Guess where it's at. Go on. I guess anybody with an ounce of creativity in Germany works on more important things like BMW, creates more ways to improve chocolate, left for Austria and created awesome music, or is just super hot. But I digress. Watch the video and be happy she wasn't riding fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt.

The first time I saw Berlino run into whatever it was that was on the track, I wondered how hard it was to see out of a mascot costume. Then I realized that the mascot was clearly struggling with Walker on its back and was looking straight at the ground while running. At least it stayed in its lane.

This next video revisits two topics I've touched on a previous blog all combined into one glorious moment in Pittsburgh. The Washington Nationals' dead presidents competed in a relay race with the Pirates' pierogies when this happened.

Alright, so all the mascot races where a participant falls/gets taken down are pretty comical, but the pierogi taking out Teddy Roosevelt was the point of that video. Need another angle? Finally, I'd recommend reading this about what other teams should use for their own races.

One more video for today. It's fairly common to see baseball players fight, though it's usually a bunch of posturing while waiting for their coaches to come out so they can save face without fighting. It's less often to see the coaches throw down. Throwing punches? Check.

Proof that the world is screwed up

Forgive me for being late to the party on this, but legendary musician Michael Jackson died at the ripe old age of 49. You already knew that? Oh.

In other news, Brooks and Dunn have decided to split up. The country duo that formed in 1991 and has won every single country duo award since then decided that this will be their final tour together. I actually can't believe they even have an award for best country duo. Are there others? At the very least, they did inspire this blog greatly with their song Put a Girl in It. (Make sure to turn the volume down before clicking that link.) Best advice ever, and the inspiration for including Miss Strahovski in this post (Want more? Watch Chuck.) even though she's not mentioned again.Though this is probably very upsetting to fans, it's hardly unexpected to those of us with a complete set of teeth. Breaking up was the most logical career move as Brooks and Dunn can now sing about losing their dog, their truck, their wife, and now, each other. Just not together.

Sticking with the country music topic, I just saw this video of Taylor Swift pranking Keith Urban. (Again with the muting.) If this is exciting for a country concert, why on earth do people go? Oh, the song was called "I Want a Kiss." That changes everything. Now seeing Taylor Swift dressed as Paul Stanley makes perfect sense. It's still not funny, but I get it.

Since I'm focusing on news that's at least weeks old, you probably heard about Best Buy selling TVs online for $9.99 and then reneging on the deal, which was lame. However, what you may have missed was a less impressive deal that was being offered on the black market. I imaging the exchange between husband and wife would have proceeded as follows.

Wife: Honey, can you help me get this box out of the car? It's too heavy for me.

Husband: It's the 2 minute warning. Can it wait a few minutes?

W: But you know the last two minutes always take 20.

H: Aww, come on, Honey.

W: It's your loss.

H: Thanks.... Wait. What's that mean?

W: Well, you know how you wanted a bigger TV for our anniversary last month? But we ended up getting new towels for the bathroom?

H: Yeah...

W: Well, go get the box.

H: But there's still 1:58 left. Wait. They just called a time out. I'm on it.

...

H: You bought a $2000 TV without consulting me?

W: That's not even the best part.

H: That wasn't even a good part...

W: You'll never guess the deal I got on it.

H: Just tell me.

W: No, you have to guess.

H: Well, it was originally $2000, I don't know. $3000?

W: Nope. It was only a hundred bucks.

H: One hundred dollars for a 37" TV? Are you sure the box isn't empty?

W: You tell me.

(opens the box)

H: Dear?

W: Are you excited?

H: You bought me a damn oven door.

W: What? The guy said he needed to make rent and was selling his TV.

H: You just spent $100 on an oven door THAT DOESN'T COME WITH AN OVEN.

W: Honey, don't be mad. I was really trying to do something sweet.

H: Whatever. You better get the money back. NOW.

W: But I need to get ready for my shift at the club tonight.

H: I don't care. Go get my money back.

W: Fine.

(Goes into house to get keys. Comes out with frying pan. Hits husband over his head with pan. Goes to prison. The end.)

Shaqtastic vs. Shaqesque

Tonight, Shaq Vs. debuted on ABC thus marking the start of the most anticipated reality show since American Gladiators was reborn, got really full of itself, and was quickly rekilled. At least, it's the one I'm looking forward to the most.

As everybody knows, the only thing bigger than Shaq is his personality. The show was born because he claimed he can compete with any athlete at any sport. The first episode will feature O'Neal taking on Ben Roethlisberger. (I only know how to spell that because they just flashed his name on the screen.) I'll be keeping a running diary with my thoughts below, so if you plan to watch the show on Hulu, you should probably do that first then continue.

The show's off to a bit of a boring start. There have been a few highlights, Shaq complaining that the SUV that picked him up at the airport was too small, for example, but so far it's just been talking. Shaq now claims that he's doing this because it's the ultimate cross training to get him ready to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The funniest moment so far: Big Ben challenged Shaq to make a free throw in his backyard court, which he missed "on purpose." A competitive game of HORSE followed with the football player winning and getting to dunk on Shaq as his prize.

It's now 9:15, and the announcer just exclaimed excitedly that we're less than 20 minutes away from the game which is a 7-on-7 competition with Shaq quarterbacking one team and Roethlis...eh, screw it...the other guy throwing for the other team. So it turns out that you only really need to watch the last 20 minutes to see the exciting (and hopefully hilarious) part. In the mean time, and since I'm currently watching a commercial break, enjoy this ad:

Charissa Thompson? Who? Where's Erin Andrews?!?! Isn't Shaq big enough to command the presence of Miss Andrews? Weak. Wait. No, this could work alright.

Ben just declared that if he loses he'll probably be too embarrassed to continue playing football. As though anybody wasn't rooting for Shaq initially... Oh, and it just got better! Shaq has squeezed into the biggest set of pads ever made. And they're still too small.

(I just saw a commercial for a new Courtney Cox show called Cougartown. I haven't been this unexcited for a new sitcom since Worst Week started up. I guess we are a little short on sitcoms featuring marginally attractive women manipulating men.)

Finally. Game time. Extra rules? I've got plenty. Three possessions each. No field goals. No running plays. Quarterbacks only play offense. Until now. On Ben's second possession, Shaq jumped from the sidelines, intercepted a pass on the sideline, and took it 70 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, that didn't stand, and the game resumed as it was. It's quite impressive watching Shaq outrun NFL wide receivers.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! With the score tied, Shaq's pass was intercepted in the endzone meaning another Ben touchdown will win the game. It's fitting that he's wearing the black jerseys. Game over. Ben wins. And NFL fans everywhere lose.

Next week: Shaq takes on Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball. I'll be watching.

Overall, the show isn't terrible. Unfortunately, it's not as ridiculous as I was hoping for. Obviously, being a professional athlete, Shaq will take the game seriously once it's time to go. Hopefully, beach volleyball or swimming or hot dog eating will provide more laughs.

yad sdrawkcab yppaH

That's right, August 13 has been designated National Left Handers' Day, and it's been formalized like all other major holidays, with its own website. As most people (in this case, those of us smart enough to use our right hands) realize, having National Days is nothing more than a desperate attempt to make inferior people feel, um, exferior. I'm not even sure why it's such a big deal at this point, it's plainly obvious that being left handed is a distinct advantage in this country. Why else would Paul McCartney leave England for America? I'll tell you it's probably not for the beer. And if baseball can be used for any sort of barometer, half of the people in the country are left handed, making today about as useful as a day elevating women or minorities.

There's nothing wrong with lefties, but it's more than a little upsetting listening the constant whining that their lives are so much more difficult in this country. I'd believe that if you didn't steer with your left hand. The computer mouse is designed to be used with the right hand, thus leaving your left hand free for...other activities. When you meet somebody new, you shake and consequently spread their germs to your right hand, which will enter your mouth next time you eat a taco...unless you're left handed.

According to researchers at Lafayette and Johns Hopkins Universities, left handed men who attended college earn 15% more on average than their right handed counterparts. That number rises to 26% more if they graduated. I'm pretty sure this calls for government intervention, and I demand that my pay be increased, but there's no way that can happen until the Great Left Handed Conspiracy has been uncovered. That's right, just two presidents since Richard Nixon have thrown the first pitch from the third base side of the mound. (Side note: perhaps Obama can throw from the right side next time year.)

So in honor of our left handed friends, please smear everything you write today to the point that it becomes nearly illegible. Or at least wipe with the left hand today.

On a semi-unrelated note, today, the US Mint unveiled a brand new penny! The most telling line from the article: it costs $0.014 to make a penny that's worth exactly $0.010 once completed. Only the government can ensure the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

Alright, so they want to continue producing pennies, that's fine. Somewhere, there's a gumball machine that still uses them. However, to spend the money to redesign and update the molds is the definition of insanity. However, it's nice to know that we now have everything else under control.

Ten most hated athletes

Every morning, I begrudgingly wake up and turn on channel 68, HLN. It started because I put a TV in my bedroom, and stumbled across Robin Meade one morning. She, and her daily low cut shirts, almost makes me enjoy getting up. This morning, she unveiled a list of the 10 most hated athletes as compiled by Forbes. It's my intent to explain why Forbes is wrong.

1. Michael Vick - This one seems like a no-brainer given his dog fighting conviction. Way to go out on a limb. Here's the thing. Vick killed dogs. Donte Stallworth struck and killed somebody with his car while driving drunk. He spent 24 days in jail. Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while in a crowded nightclub and got a similar slap on the wrist. It's a sad day when people care more about dogs (which would behave as Vick had them if not for people) than other humans.

2. Manny Ramirez - I don't agree that he's even the most hated player in baseball. In fact, I don't even think he's the second most hated player in baseball. Sure it came out today that he used steroids in 2003. There were 103 other players on that list. I prefer to spread my hate evenly.

3. Alex Rodriguez - Easily the most hated player in baseball. Great player. Good looking. Over paid. And also on that list in 2003. I lied. I definitely hate him more than both of the players above.

4. Terrell Owens - He's not really hated. The attention he gets is what people hate. This is the same reason people hate the Yankees and Red Sox. It started as apathy but quickly turned to hate when we couldn't get away. (see also Brothers, Jonas)

5. Kobe Bryant - Acquitted of raping a hotel worker. To ensure his level of public hate would reach unprecedented success, he bought his wife a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR RING. Moreover, he plays for the Lakers who garner extra hate for being successful for so long.

6. Allen Iverson - So he doesn't like to practice. Who does? It's hard to hate the one player who doesn't view representing the United States as a chore and actually considers it an honor.

7. Isiah Thomas - Once a very good player. Once a terrible general manager. Now the coach of Florida International. Hated? By Knicks fans. Laughed at by everybody else.

8. Stephon Marbury - I would venture to say 90% of non-NBA fans have never even heard of him. There's no way he should even be mentioned in the same list as people like A-Rod. Fail.

9. Nick Saban - So he coached very successfully at LSU, went to the NFL and coached the Dolphins (You should already know the result.), and returned to college coaching at LSU's rival, Alabama. That makes him hated? He pulled a Pitino (Kentucky, Boston Celtics, Louisville). Pitino did not pull a Saban.

10. John McEnroe - Who hated this guy? Everybody I know wishes he still played because he would make tennis exciting. Maybe there are a more chair umpires than I realized who hate him enough to get him in the top 10. Plus he stopped playing 25 years ago.

Here's how the top 10 should have looked:

1. Barry Bonds. Not even in the Forbes top 10. Really?

2. Alex Rodriguez.

3. Michael Vick

4. Tom Brady. For his success, looks, and taking Giselle off the market.

5. Rick Pitino. Left Kentucky (crazy fans), for the Celtics, then to Louisville (who UK hates). Plus his hair tried to eat me.

6. Charlie Weiss. Fat coach of Notre Dame who lamented never being given a fair chance at coaching in the NFL because of his weight. While riding a Rascal.

7. Kobe Bryant

8. George Steinbrenner. Pioneer of the $250,000,000 payroll and owner of a $1,000,000,000 ballpark with $1700 seats.

9. Adam "Pacman" Jones. Can't stop from committing crimes. People dream of playing in the NFL but never will. He does and keeps blowing it.

10. Roger Clemens. Paid $20,000,000+ to play HALF of a season with the Yankees. Plus he's the steroids whipping boy for pitchers.

So thank you, Robin, for sharing this terrible list with me. Hopefully, someday it'll re-emerge as number one on my list of terrible lists.

Help needed

Is there a female comedian (or comedienne, if you're a lesbian) that's legitimately funny? I'm not talking about an actress unless she started in standup. I've watched many episodes of Comedy Central Presents and even spent some time on YouTube to no avail. I'm not trying to be sexist. I honestly can't find a single funny one.

Tonight, I even attempted watching HBO's One Night Stand featuring Bonnie McFarlane thinking that Comedy Central's censors cut out all their funny content. (Though I don't believe a person needs to be crass to be funny. Mike Birbiglia is a prime example of that.)

Regardless, here's part of that special. You'll notice that she starts laughing after some of her jokes, which amazes me because I didn't laugh after any of them. I'm assuming she's laughing because everybody there paid to endure her. Either way, I don't particularly enjoy the fact that this is a 7 minute video in which she tells somewhere close to 1 million jokes. It could just be my sense of humor, but listening to the awkward laughs of the audience tells me I'm not alone. While you're watching keep in mind that everything is funnier in person.

So there's exhibit A, but there are plenty of other female comedians. For my money, the funniest female comedian is Sarah Silverman even though I don't really enjoy her show. Her standup is alright, but falls into some of the traps other women fall into. If comedians had a set list, most women would have one that looks like the following:

Complain about sex

Complain about men/boyfriend/husband

Complain about how hard it is to be a woman

Complain about men

Here's the thing. Complaining isn't funny. Moreover, I would challenge anybody in the audience to honestly say they don't want to trade lives with the performer. Regardless, Silverman (by virtue of Jimmy Kimmel) has produced one of the funniest YouTube moments of all time.

Thankfully, Jimmy has more resources and was able to respond in the only way that made sense.

But that's beside the point. The only reason I can come up with for why females continue to exist in the world of stand up comedy is the two drink minimum. Some people think it's because everybody's funnier when the audience has had a few drinks. They're wrong. It's so the club can avoid a lawsuit for sexism by only requiring two drinks when a woman is performing. Why only when a woman is performing? Because with two drinks any woman turns into Heidi Klum.

Now this isn't intended to be a post railing against female comedians. I'd really love to laugh at someone that I found attractive instead of Ricky Gervais. So please, please share any funny (or retarded, but super hot) female comedians or else this mild irritation will quickly turn into a full blown loathing that only compares to my contempt for the Yankees, Red Sox, and the Shamwow Guy.

There's a reason they're waiting for a promotion

By now, I've probably beaten Obamathrowslikeagirl (whose going off at 3-1 at the 2010 Kentucky Derby) to the point where it's only got about three good laughs left before it starts to feel as original as a Judd Apatow movie. So instead of commenting on the president's rag arm, I'll mock the mascot for the Binghamton Mets for his feminine home run celebration with an extremely demasculinizing conclusion. At least mascots are flat like Ken.

Unfortunately, such occurrences aren't very predictable, but that's not always the case. Some train wrecks are planned. For example, the AA affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles hosted pillow fight night on July 24. The Bowie Baysox invited all fans who wanted to participate to bring pillows to the game, after which, they were invited down on the field to experience the world's largest pillow fight. The field was separated into several sections: families with young children, families with teenagers, adults only, and hardcore (pillowcases stuffed with quarters and bars of soap). The stands were reserved for creeps and teenage boys.

Speaking of women and their cars

To my knowledge, the only reason for visiting Memphis since Elvis died was to visit his grave. Now, I might visit to have my car stolen. Recently, a woman wearing only a bikini walked up to a car and demanded that driver get out and give her the car. Normally, a story like this plants a funny scenario into my head about how this happened as soon as I read the headline. Like an idiot, reading the story leads to a much less climatic situation. This headline inspired two scenarios that I wanted to happen equally.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Who would give up their car to a female hijacker? Especially one who was only wearing a bikini? It was probably Lois Einhorn." My two answers: a woman and a man.

Situation 1 - The woman -

A woman driving her Prius home from the organic grocery store. (Sidenote: an organic grocery store isn't nearly as exciting as the name sounds.) The bikini clad woman walks up to the driver's window and taps on it. The woman proceeds to crack the window so slightly that her credit card wouldn't fit through and asked what the bikini woman wanted. When the response was to get out of her car, I have to imagine the only thought she could have had was, "Of all the days to let my metro boyfriend drive the SUV... I could floor it, but I think she would outrun me. What else can I do? Maybe, if I ask nicely, she'll let me get my eerily brown eggs. She is a woman after all. She'll be able to relate to me. Yeah, I'll do that."

Situation 2 - The man -

A guy driving home from the strip club is stopped at a red light, and a bikini clad woman walks up. He rolls down the window, and leans out to see if she "needs a ride." She tells him she has a gun and to get out of the car. Being slightly buzzed, he laughs in her face and asks where she's keeping it. However, his state of inebriation prevents him from just driving off, so he gets out to show her the most logical place - her ears - at which point, she gets in and drives off.

Unfortunately, neither story is true. In reality, she stole the car from a woman who only requested that she be allowed to take her kids. I can't make fun of her for that, but I will make fun of the robber for not quitting while she was ahead. Apparently, sober store owners aren't as susceptible to half naked fives as half drunk ones, which resulted in them restraining her until the police arrived. Lame.

I'm pretty sure it was Elvis.

Five cars the ladies will love...to drive

Ever since I got my new car a couple months ago, I've become much more judgmental of what other people are driving. Let me be clear and say that I won't judge based on how much a person's car costs or how old it is, but there are certain cars that certain people simply shouldn't be driving no matter what. I'm proposing a game whereby you get one point for each time you find a man driving one of these vehicles.

Toyota Prius - This is probably the most common car you'll see men driving on this list. Consider it a gift to counteract soccer-like scores. However, that doesn't excuse any guy from driving it. Neither does the increased fuel efficiency. Perhaps drivers can use the money you'll save on gas and use it to invest in horse power. Or a set of testicles. The Prius houses a roaring 98 HP, which means it would probably be quicker to just push the car. In fact, it's the first car to be made that weak in a long time. Bonus point if powder blue. The Prius comes in six different colors...not green though. For the most popular "green" car in the country, they're really dropped the ball on the marketing scheme for this one. I guess idiots run foreign car companies, too.

Mazda 3 - (Also acceptable: Mazda Miata) If it wasn't making things too easy, I would include all Mazdas this category. And in all honesty, seeing a guy driving this car is the direct inspiration for this post. Oh, and it was purple. I'm not sure how any self respecting male can drive a car from a company that thinks "Zoom Zoom Zoom" is clever advertising. Sure, they're marketed as being a fun to drive rival to the Accord or Camry, but so is the Volkswagon Jetta. There's only one VW that you'll lose man points for. Bonus point if purple.

VW Beetle - This is too obvious to make fun of. Bonus point if painted like Herbie. (P.S. Doesn't that car remind you of a time when Lindsay Lohan was really hot?)

Chevy Cavalier - One of my best friends drove this in high school (and still does almost 10 years later). His was/is cherry red giving it what he called a "sporty" look. Any car that needs to be described as sporty is not sporty. Coincidentally, it's also not manly. The entirely ironic part is that guys who drive souped up Cavaliers tend to think they're driving an awesome car. It's still a Cavalier. Bonus point if it's a convertable. (On a side note, how did this get through the conceptual phase at Chevy? My theory is similar to how a minor league baseball team hosted pregnancy night. A fat woman - the only people I've ever seen driving the convertable version - commented that she wanted to put her top down. Instead of taking the risk that she meant her shirt, the engineers came up with the prototype for the Cavalier convertible. And people wonder why nobody buys American cars anymore.)

Ford Ranger - "Well, I really want a truck, but who wants all the power that comes in the F-150 or Dodge Ram?" Not surprisingly, trucks like this provide the most common setting for trucknutz, the most horrific thing to happen to auto accessories since the in-car phonograph. (You thought I was kidding.) I'm not sure what the intent of putting truck nuts on your hitch is, either. Is it your way of saying that you like dudes? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Or are you trying to say that your truck has balls? Because if it's the Ranger, it doesn't. If you want a truck with balls, you should have bought the F-150 or Ram. Period. Bonus point if it's pink.

All of that said, if your salesperson looks anything like the girl in the picture, I'll go easy on you because I'd have bought a Cavalier from her, too. And hated myself afterward.

Internet video fun

Without question, the best thing about the internet is the its ability to spread information at a rate never before seen. Nothing provides better evidence of this than the ongoing protests in Iran which has been documented on sites like YouTube and Twitter.

I heard about this video of people rescuing two people, including a four-year-old, from a burning car on the news this morning and intended to write a post completely ripping on the camera operator for simply filming the rescue and not helping out. However, when I watched it I realized that there were plenty of people already helping, and because of his role, everybody in the world can see that there are still people willing to put themselves in harm's way to help other people.

In a semi-related story, the president was kind enough to further my argument that he's secretly a woman by admitting that the jeans he wore for the All-Star Game were "frumpy." Frumpy? He made further excuses by declaring that the jeans were comfortable, and he hates to shop. Clearly, this is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to protect his image with men, and it's true that I would prefer comfortable to stylish. That's fair. He's a guy. But none of this would have mattered if he could throw like one.

More internet video news. Apparently, a video of a naked Erin Andrews surfaced over the weekend. It was taken while she was in her hotel room and clearly wasn't taken with her knowledge. Through her lawyers, she has promised both civil and criminal suits though the origin of the video is unknown. I don't have it and won't be posting it here because of the words "civil and criminal" mentioned in the previous sentence. The thing that's the most concerning is the media coverage this has gotten.

Somehow, despite a portfolio consisting entirely of non-risque pictures and videos, Erin Andrews is one of the most popular women on the internet, so the attention makes sense. However, outlets like Fox News and The Today Show (that I know of) have shown outrage toward the videographer and sympathy for Andrews by playing clips of the video all day. I understand, the video brings in ratings, and ratings bring in sponsors, and sponsors bring in money, but there's a direct hypocrisy being shown. "It's every woman's worst nightmare. A video of Erin Andrews walking around her hotel room naked. Take a look. Making this video was a deplorable act, and our thoughts go out to Miss Andrews. Now watch with us in disgust as she bends over to pick up her hair brush."

Also, I can't decide whether I want to watch the video or find myself entirely sick to my stomach. Part of me wants to satisfy my curiosity to finally find out what she looks like naked, but I'm not sure that's the best situation. Some part of her appeal is the fact that she doesn't provoke attention by taking her clothes off, and seeing her without them would definitely take away that innocence. Moreover, I'm not sure I'd be able to enjoy watching her on the sideline after having seen this video. As a result, it seems watching the video seems as though it would provide a short term positive that would be far outweighed by my lack of excitement the next time she's walking past my section during football season.

And finally, on a much less serious note, I stopped watching ESPN some time ago because I despise nearly every team from Boston, New York, and Chicago. However, due to team ownership obligations and the fact that I don't have to read about certain aforementioned teams there, I can't stop visiting their website. Since I assume most people are in a similar situation, I want to share a Sunday Conversation that recently aired on the network and was recently archived online. Normally, Sunday Conversation is a segment with an emotional interview of Brett Favre speaking about his most recent retirement or Alex Rodriguez about his steroids/gayness/choking (unrelated)/self-loving. Not this week. Check out the video below which features Ben Schwartz interviewing Olympic gymnast, Nastia Liukin.