Help needed

Is there a female comedian (or comedienne, if you're a lesbian) that's legitimately funny? I'm not talking about an actress unless she started in standup. I've watched many episodes of Comedy Central Presents and even spent some time on YouTube to no avail. I'm not trying to be sexist. I honestly can't find a single funny one.

Tonight, I even attempted watching HBO's One Night Stand featuring Bonnie McFarlane thinking that Comedy Central's censors cut out all their funny content. (Though I don't believe a person needs to be crass to be funny. Mike Birbiglia is a prime example of that.)

Regardless, here's part of that special. You'll notice that she starts laughing after some of her jokes, which amazes me because I didn't laugh after any of them. I'm assuming she's laughing because everybody there paid to endure her. Either way, I don't particularly enjoy the fact that this is a 7 minute video in which she tells somewhere close to 1 million jokes. It could just be my sense of humor, but listening to the awkward laughs of the audience tells me I'm not alone. While you're watching keep in mind that everything is funnier in person.

So there's exhibit A, but there are plenty of other female comedians. For my money, the funniest female comedian is Sarah Silverman even though I don't really enjoy her show. Her standup is alright, but falls into some of the traps other women fall into. If comedians had a set list, most women would have one that looks like the following:

Complain about sex

Complain about men/boyfriend/husband

Complain about how hard it is to be a woman

Complain about men

Here's the thing. Complaining isn't funny. Moreover, I would challenge anybody in the audience to honestly say they don't want to trade lives with the performer. Regardless, Silverman (by virtue of Jimmy Kimmel) has produced one of the funniest YouTube moments of all time.

Thankfully, Jimmy has more resources and was able to respond in the only way that made sense.

But that's beside the point. The only reason I can come up with for why females continue to exist in the world of stand up comedy is the two drink minimum. Some people think it's because everybody's funnier when the audience has had a few drinks. They're wrong. It's so the club can avoid a lawsuit for sexism by only requiring two drinks when a woman is performing. Why only when a woman is performing? Because with two drinks any woman turns into Heidi Klum.

Now this isn't intended to be a post railing against female comedians. I'd really love to laugh at someone that I found attractive instead of Ricky Gervais. So please, please share any funny (or retarded, but super hot) female comedians or else this mild irritation will quickly turn into a full blown loathing that only compares to my contempt for the Yankees, Red Sox, and the Shamwow Guy.