If it's her turn to choose

I've decided to start doing semi-regular posts to help my male readers out. Unfortunately, relationships require countless numbers of chick flicks to keep that lady happy. I realize that the smart guys don't watch the movies for enjoyment but rather in the hopes that they'll get repaid for their loyalties once it's over. My intent here is to help you guys know which movies are worth suffering through and promise the highest likelihood of a return on investment. I'll do that by rating the movies on several categories which I've outlined below. Each category will score up to 10 points.

Funniness - Obviously, this is a measure of how funny the movie is. It accounts for 10% of the total score. I realize some chick flicks don't even attempt to be funny, but I'm not about to rate a movie by how moving it is or how many tears your chick sheds. (Just make sure to keep her hydrated to avoid cramping later on.) Obviously, this favors romantic comedies over tragedies, but so be it. No amount of post-movie fun is worth enduring this.

Predictability - The less predictable, the higher the rating is in this category. Since chick flicks aren't meant to be edge of your seat thrillers, this only gets 5%. Still, it's tough to endure everything else when it's painfully obvious how the movie will end.

Female Lead(s) - I've assigned 25% of the total score to the quality of woman chosen to be the female lead/leads. This is the highest total assigned to any single category because hot women are much more important to the overall quality of a chick flick than any amount of bad acting. This will also take into account how often the actress shows up in the movie.

Scantiness - This category judges the exposure the female lead takes on during the movie. The less clothing, the higher the rating. Basically, I'm taking scantiness to be synonymous with sex appeal. However, this heading doesn't require nudity or even bikinis from the actress as Megan Fox demonstrated so eloquently in Transformers. It's important to note that this category applies only to the female lead and is worth 15% of the total score.

Perceived Length - This is a measure of how strong the urge to sit on a fork becomes during the movie. Originally, I intended to measure the length of the movie, but I realized Gladiator is 2 1/2 hours long, and I could watch it back to back, so the actual length isn't as important as the perceived length. This is worth 15% of the final rating. If the movie feels like it lasted long enough to build a house, it gets a low score.

Lucky Factor - This rates the possibility of receiving benefits befitting of you enduring this movie. For example, movies featuring Matthew McConaughey (WARNING TO MEN: Do NOT click the hyperlink. It's only done in a shameless attempt to suck in a female audience. I don't imagine they'll stay long once they read the rest of the misogyny, but it's worth the effort. You just clicked it anyway, didn't you? You're welcome for at least finding a picture with a bikini involved.) will score highly. As will movies with happy endings and Since this is the overall goal of the night, this category holds 20% of the score. I thought about making this the only criterion, but I realized that there's always a risk involved with watching the movie, and should the night end with snoring instead of your lady mistakenly crying out "Matthew!" I felt it necessary to make sure you at least marginally enjoyed the movie.

Miscellaneous - This is everything else. It varies by movie and may garner no points at all, in which case, the overall score won't be hurt. It carries a 10% weight if used, and none if not.

Boobies!! - A bonus point will be awarded to the final score if boobies are in the movie. This doesn't require being from the lead, but does require them to be nice. For example, Schindler's List would not get a point here. I think we're all in agreement that this is the right thing to do.

Final Recommendation - Are you seriously still reading? I think you can figure out what would go under this heading. I'll present the aggregate score for the movie out of 10 possible points. Obviously a higher number doesn't necessarily make it a great movie, but it probably means it's not worth the fight. Conversely, a low score indicates that you'd be better served giving yourself food poisoning and spending the night with your head in the toilet. Seriously, if one of those movies shows up on your DVR, it's time to fake a malfunction even if it means losing all of your Band of Brothers recordings.

Hopefully, this is clear and my recommendations will help you out when it's her turn to choose , and you can't compromise because last time, you picked Die Hard.