I guess if I was desperate enough...

I just stumbled across this story about a man who attempted a do-it-yourself circumcision using a pair of nail clippers. As a grown man, I shudder at the thought of the procedure as it's performed by a doctor while under anesthesia. I'm not sure what would possess a person to think it's a good idea to use a tool intended for grooming your toes for such a purpose, but I've outlined several possible scenarios attempting to discover his frame of mind.

First, boredom.

Second, he recently converted to Judaism.

Third (and most likely), he brought home this lady who issued an ultimatum. At that point, his brain had clearly lost control, which is the only plausible situation that could explain this story.

It could be worse. He could have spent that time watching 300.

Cleveland Rocks!

I won't even waste your time with words.



Which just begs the question: Why do Clevelanders put up with such nonsense? Right, Lebron James has brought home an NBA runner up trophy. Strangely, that's how it's preferred, because in Cleveland, as most people know, first is worst, and second is best. It's the same reason the Indians let the Florida Marlins win the World Series in 1997. (Or maybe they were just distracted.) And why they're content being the second best franchise in the NFL to have played in Cleveland. It really all makes sense.

If that doesn't get you to on the next flight to Cleveland. Certainly, this video will.



Or perhaps this one?



In all fairness to the City of Cleveland, I hear their steamers are wonderful. As an added bonus, they haven't set any bodies of water on fire for 40 years.

Kim Jong Il is My Favorite

Unless you've been living under a rock, or you only go to cnn.com (where the only international news seems to Iran) for news, you've probably heard the threats issued by North Korea that were aimed at the United States. (I made a decision before starting this blog that I would never focus on politics, and I have no intention of breaking that decision with this post. So please don't stop reading if you're not interested in politics. In fact, don't stop reading at all unless you suddenly get free Showtime, in which case, I wouldn't blame you at all.) Kim Jong Il has apparently decided to launch a missile toward Hawaii around the July 4th holiday and said he would "wipe out" the United States. The President says we're safe. Hawaiians feel safe. Even the Japanese didn't feel threatened. So why should I?

It gets better. Today, Pentagon spokesman Geoff Morrell became the first person to say what every American is feeling. "I don't even know how to respond to [the threat]. It's silliness." He continued, "For what and with what?"

As my own personal response to North Korea, I've decided to compile a list of my favorite moments in Mr. Jong Il's life.

From his cameo in Team America: World Police...

Due to his appearance in Team America, his approval rating plummeted...


Finally, Mr. Il had the chance to give his opinion of Call of Duty 4, which was broadcast on North Korea's only non-state television station...


(Disclaimer: By creating the title I chose, I was hoping to make it through the North Korean firewall. I refuse to make my feelings of Kim Jong Il known because it would break my politics rule, but I would like to make it known that I think the man is hilarious.)

8 greater than 300

A few months ago, I was finally convinced to endure a viewing of 300, a movie which I had absolutely no interest. I'm by no means a movie buff or even a casual movie goer. The extent of my movie watching typically comes from watching HBO or catching the child-proofed version on cable. However, 300 was a different beast. Movie critics loved it. My friends loved it. Even the Persians loved it. So I gave in and suffered through the first 30 minutes before enjoying a two hour nap. Alright, so that last sentence is only half true. The first 30 minutes sucked, but the nap was excellent. After a few attempts and 46 cans of Red Bull, I was able to watch the rest of the crapfest without passing out...though I did wear a path to the bathroom.

Over the weekend, I was forced to watch the last twenty minutes again "because it's the best part." Whatever. At least it gave me what felt like 2 hours to come up with a list of activities more worthwhile and enjoyable than enduring its suckiness.

1. Watch Gladiator. It's almost the same movie except that it doesn't suck. Think about it. 300 supposedly took place about 500 years before Maximus Decimus Meridius lived. Though Maximus is based on ancient Romans, the actual character is a work of fiction. Likewise, the Battle of Thermopylae took place, but certainly not how the movie depicted it. That's about it for the similarities. While 300 opts for the quality of Space Jam, Gladiator employs more traditional movie making techniques - like character development, a plot, and good script - without sacrificing violence and bloodshed.

2. Read the Thoughts from Stall 3 Archive.

3. Watch grass grow.

4. Attend a WNBA game. (Note: That's an actual picture taken during a game last season.)

5. Watch 300 in Japanese so you don't have to endure the trite, unmotivating speeches imparted by Leonidas. As an added bonus, you can watch the characters mouths move and not match the words coming out. With any luck it'll distract you from the cinematography.

6. Start making plans for St. Boniface Day. It'll be here soon enough.

7. Travel the world on Google Maps.

8. Search Google for new pictures of Erin Andrews.

Sweeping the Clouds Away

This November, Sesame Street, the show that taught most of us how to count will turn begin its 40th season. Though I haven't watched it in decades, I may have to set the DVR to record the episode that features Ricky Gervais as its special guest. As entertaining as the outtakes with Elmo are, I'm more excited to be taught how to count in English. The British English, not the dumbed down version we speak in America. In the mean time, enjoy the clip below.



Of course, Ricky Gervais is responsible for the British version of The Office and for importing the show to the United States. Since I watch about 18 hours of TV each day and especially love The Office, I find Gervais to be exceptionally funny on his show(s), doing standup, or just a casual interview. If you don't or your religion doesn't allow you to laugh, you might as well stop reading.



In 2007, Ricky won an Emmy for his role on Extras which made for one of the funniest (and oddly erotic) moments in award show history.



And another even funnier one in 2008.



Finally, as if that wasn't enough, Ricky makes fun of fat people.

Mood Swings and Misses

About a week ago, I wrote a post about several reasons why baseball is better in person. Today, I bring you one more reason to take yourself out to the ballgame.

This week's crazy (stupid) minor league promotion belongs to the Brooklyn Cyclones who are hosting Bellies and Baseball on July 19. Sadly, the night isn't dedicated to beer or its supple enthusiasts. Rather, it's a night to celebrate all the expectant mothers who happen to follow the Brooklyn baseballers. Perhaps, more correctly, both expectant mothers. On July 19, all pregnant women in attendance will be allowed to run...um...walk...um...hobble around the bases prior to the first pitch and patronize a concession stand selling pickles and anchovy pizza among other craving foods. Beside that, two things are particularly disturbing. Any woman who names her child Brooklyn or Cy will be awarded season tickets to the Cyclones for life. Alternatively, if a woman in attendance gives birth before the end of the game and at the ballpark, she and every other member of her family will receive season tickets for life.

This is hardly the first (or worst) promotional idea by a baseball team. The Elsinore (CA) Storm are having Anti-Flatulence Tuesdays to combat the all-you-can eat food that's becoming common place in ballparks. The University of Cincinnati's baseball team initiated Beach Day in which anybody wearing swim trunks, a wetsuit or bikini got in free. Sure enough the game was preemptively rained out and played on Friday. Regrettably, the bikini promotion didn't carry forward. Then again, who wants a stadium full of this? In 1951, the St. Louis Browns signed 3'-7" Eddie Gaedel to play one game. More recently, the Long Island Ducks signed John Rocker to a minor league contract and was released two months later...perhaps because the Ducks are a hockey team.

Returning to the promotion that inspired this post, the best part of the glowing event is the fact that it was announced six weeks in advance so ladies who want to participate still have time to become eligible. As Cyclone's general manager Steve Cohen creepily exclaimed, "There's still time," and I'm sure he'll be happy to help.

(In case you were wondering, my intent was to embed a picture of a pregnant woman wearing a baseball jersey, but I couldn't find one on Google Images. CC Sabathia was the closest I could get, but he is not pregnant. I wanted to nip any rumors about him being pregnant in the bud. His buns in the oven are in fact, buns in the oven. Dozens of them.)

Breaking News!

Starting tomorrow, you'll need a digital converter box to view broadcast networks nationwide. Odds are that if you're reading this, you'll need to run out to Best Buy and pick one up since this is likely the first time you've heard the startling news. It angers me to no end that such little notice was given to prepare everybody for such a drastic transition and moreso that the cost of such a switch was placed entirely on the consumer. Thank goodness for Congressional action otherwise nobody's television set would have worked when they woke up on February 17. Presumably because they realized that nobody was aware of the pending situation, their action was enough to delay the transition for four months, until June 12. I, for one, am ecstatic to be living in a country whose leaders are in tune with what really matters. However, it's more than a little upsetting to see that the extra time has failed epically in accomplishing its goal of allowing all Americans to be ready.

However, that's not the part I'll miss the most. I'm sure to feel empty without the 18 commercials each hour warning of the impending switch that aired for the past few months, if not years. That said, I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to have seen extra ones over the last four months.

To deal with my despondence over losing the fuzzy picture, I looked online for analog TV support groups. Unfortuantely and much to my surprise, I had no luck. However, I discovered something far more interesting, as a quick Google search reveals that the government has been undertaking a 15 year transition since early NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE! (Sorry for yelling. I'm not mad at you. Unless you're one of the 3,000,000 idiots who haven't bought a box yet...or a new TV...or cable.) I came to the realization that the government has been doing everything right and I really need to focus my anger about the lack of knowledge on the media.

That said, this is not the proper time for anger since we'll have plenty of time to point fingers after the event is complete. So please, as analog television lies on its deathbed, please feel free to post your favorite analog TV memories in the comments section. An obituary will follow.

One More Reason Baseball is Better Live

Despite being my favorite sport, it's impossible to dismiss the fact that it has obscenely sleep-provoking moments. Watching the game on TV subjects us to look at whatever the blow-hard announcer decides is worth talking about. However, it doesn't go without its benefits. (And I'm not talking about Eddie. *cough* gratuitous Erin Andrews links *cough* *cough* WARNING: not Erin Andrews *cough*) More importantly, commercial breaks last just long enough to visit the bathroom and restock the cup holders in your giant inflatable chair. However, being at the game doesn't bestow such opportunity because the time it takes the pitcher to warm up is conveniently the exact same amount of time it takes to get the attention of the 350 pound fan with enough back hair to shave a jersey on himself (and little enough shame to do it) that has been hogging your armrest the whole game and climb over him. Unfortunately, where there's one, there's usually more. Regardless, it's better than sitting next to this guy.

No matter, I didn't write this to persuade anybody that watching baseball on TV is better than being at the game. Despite not having time to finagle your way through the beer line and back to your seat without missing any time, there are actually reasons to go to a game. The Lemonade Shaking Guy, for instance. Of course, the game itself is nice but not worth $45 plus $8 per beer. What makes the game worth $45 per seat? The between inning entertainment. There's high powered t-shirt cannons, variations of the shell game, and most importantly, novelty racing.

Most of the time, the race involves participants that have some connection to the city the game is played in. The Washington Nationals race comical versions of dead presidents (shown at left), the Pittsburgh Pirates race pierogies, and the Milwaukee Brewers race sausages (sometimes with disastrous results - and for the record, I'm laughing now).

Just when you thought it couldn't get much more bizarre, this evening, to my dismay (as much because it's Saturday night as because of the partbicipants), I came across this video from www.cincinnati.com. It turns out, the Florence Freedom, the single A team for the Cincinnati Reds choose to race two eyeballs and Fat Elvis. For the better part of a half hour, I've been working on a punchline, but I'm now convinced that there is nothing I can say to make this video funnier, so I'll leave you with it and the images burned into your mind for the rest of your life. I'm sorry.

Guten Tag!

In all honesty, this is a post that needed to be made several weeks ago, but www.thingsthatmakebirdbraingowtf.blogspot.com didn't exist.  Alas, the important thing is that this information is being disseminated at all.

June 5th is the feast day of St. Boniface and should be circled on your calendar with the same green marker you used for March 17.  Except instead of green, feel free to use brown, or red, or orange, or really any color you want.  The important thing is that it's circled and the most eagerly anticipated day of your year.

So why should we await June 5th with bated breath?  Simply put, St. Boniface is the patron saint of Germany, and his feast day deserves at least the same recognition as St. Patrick.  As I'm sure you've read up on the history St. Boniface in that nifty and extra convenient link I provided, you already know that he cut down a tree held sacred by the Germanic people.  (And that's way cooler than leading the snakes out of Ireland.)

Regardless of your religious beliefs, ethnicity, or preferred breed of dog, St. Boniface Day excludes nobody.  You don't have to wear a certain color or risk physical retribution.  You can drink your beer in its natural, already beautiful color.  No leprechauns, only midgets.  Sausages with potato pancakes are more filling and healthier than shepherd's pie.  And most importantly, Warsteiner is vastly superior to Guinness.

A quick Google search brings up one result for St. Boniface Day celebrations in the United States.  Annually, Buffalo, NY hosts "Shamrocks and Sauerkraut."  I'm not sure who decided that it would be a good idea to combine both heritages.  Perhaps providing an event which (I presume) serves billions of gallons of beer is the only way to have the entire city come together without ending in a riot.  I don't like it.  The Irish already have St. Patrick's Day.  It's time the German's had a day in which everybody celebrates their culture.   June 5th is that day.

So break out your lederhosen, polish the tuba, and sauer your kraut.  Because on St. Boniface Day, we're all German.