Ten most hated athletes

Every morning, I begrudgingly wake up and turn on channel 68, HLN. It started because I put a TV in my bedroom, and stumbled across Robin Meade one morning. She, and her daily low cut shirts, almost makes me enjoy getting up. This morning, she unveiled a list of the 10 most hated athletes as compiled by Forbes. It's my intent to explain why Forbes is wrong.

1. Michael Vick - This one seems like a no-brainer given his dog fighting conviction. Way to go out on a limb. Here's the thing. Vick killed dogs. Donte Stallworth struck and killed somebody with his car while driving drunk. He spent 24 days in jail. Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while in a crowded nightclub and got a similar slap on the wrist. It's a sad day when people care more about dogs (which would behave as Vick had them if not for people) than other humans.

2. Manny Ramirez - I don't agree that he's even the most hated player in baseball. In fact, I don't even think he's the second most hated player in baseball. Sure it came out today that he used steroids in 2003. There were 103 other players on that list. I prefer to spread my hate evenly.

3. Alex Rodriguez - Easily the most hated player in baseball. Great player. Good looking. Over paid. And also on that list in 2003. I lied. I definitely hate him more than both of the players above.

4. Terrell Owens - He's not really hated. The attention he gets is what people hate. This is the same reason people hate the Yankees and Red Sox. It started as apathy but quickly turned to hate when we couldn't get away. (see also Brothers, Jonas)

5. Kobe Bryant - Acquitted of raping a hotel worker. To ensure his level of public hate would reach unprecedented success, he bought his wife a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR RING. Moreover, he plays for the Lakers who garner extra hate for being successful for so long.

6. Allen Iverson - So he doesn't like to practice. Who does? It's hard to hate the one player who doesn't view representing the United States as a chore and actually considers it an honor.

7. Isiah Thomas - Once a very good player. Once a terrible general manager. Now the coach of Florida International. Hated? By Knicks fans. Laughed at by everybody else.

8. Stephon Marbury - I would venture to say 90% of non-NBA fans have never even heard of him. There's no way he should even be mentioned in the same list as people like A-Rod. Fail.

9. Nick Saban - So he coached very successfully at LSU, went to the NFL and coached the Dolphins (You should already know the result.), and returned to college coaching at LSU's rival, Alabama. That makes him hated? He pulled a Pitino (Kentucky, Boston Celtics, Louisville). Pitino did not pull a Saban.

10. John McEnroe - Who hated this guy? Everybody I know wishes he still played because he would make tennis exciting. Maybe there are a more chair umpires than I realized who hate him enough to get him in the top 10. Plus he stopped playing 25 years ago.

Here's how the top 10 should have looked:

1. Barry Bonds. Not even in the Forbes top 10. Really?

2. Alex Rodriguez.

3. Michael Vick

4. Tom Brady. For his success, looks, and taking Giselle off the market.

5. Rick Pitino. Left Kentucky (crazy fans), for the Celtics, then to Louisville (who UK hates). Plus his hair tried to eat me.

6. Charlie Weiss. Fat coach of Notre Dame who lamented never being given a fair chance at coaching in the NFL because of his weight. While riding a Rascal.

7. Kobe Bryant

8. George Steinbrenner. Pioneer of the $250,000,000 payroll and owner of a $1,000,000,000 ballpark with $1700 seats.

9. Adam "Pacman" Jones. Can't stop from committing crimes. People dream of playing in the NFL but never will. He does and keeps blowing it.

10. Roger Clemens. Paid $20,000,000+ to play HALF of a season with the Yankees. Plus he's the steroids whipping boy for pitchers.

So thank you, Robin, for sharing this terrible list with me. Hopefully, someday it'll re-emerge as number one on my list of terrible lists.

There's a reason they're waiting for a promotion

By now, I've probably beaten Obamathrowslikeagirl (whose going off at 3-1 at the 2010 Kentucky Derby) to the point where it's only got about three good laughs left before it starts to feel as original as a Judd Apatow movie. So instead of commenting on the president's rag arm, I'll mock the mascot for the Binghamton Mets for his feminine home run celebration with an extremely demasculinizing conclusion. At least mascots are flat like Ken.

Unfortunately, such occurrences aren't very predictable, but that's not always the case. Some train wrecks are planned. For example, the AA affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles hosted pillow fight night on July 24. The Bowie Baysox invited all fans who wanted to participate to bring pillows to the game, after which, they were invited down on the field to experience the world's largest pillow fight. The field was separated into several sections: families with young children, families with teenagers, adults only, and hardcore (pillowcases stuffed with quarters and bars of soap). The stands were reserved for creeps and teenage boys.

Throwbama in St. Louis

Every time I watch the video of the president throwing out the first
pitch at the All-Star game two things strike me. First, our esteemed
leader wears mom jeans. Second, and more importantly, he throws like a
girl. Say what you will about George Bush, but the man knew how to
throw a baseball. It probably helps that he once owned a
semi-professional baseball team, but that doesn't excuse Obama for what
he did. As you'll notice during the two minute video, the president did
exactly one thing like a man, and that's his decision to throw from the
mound and not from the grass in front of it. Of course, had he chosen
to throw from the grass, his pitch might have reached the plate.

During his visit to the press box where he talked with the worst
broadcasters in sports not named Musberger, he was asked about the
difference between throwing out the first pitch at the All-Star game
versus a regular game, which he performed as a senator. He mentioned
that as a senator, they just gave him the ball and sent him to the
mound, but as president, he was able to secure some time with Albert
Pujohls (the player who caught the "pitch") in the bullpen to warm up.
That's the most relieving part of the story because if he hadn't been
given the chance to throw ahead of time, his pitch might not have
reached the grass.

So I decided to rewatch the video and figure out exactly what went
wrong, you know, for the good of the president's image and whatnot. My
first thought was maybe he tripped over his jeans, or perhaps they were
too tight. That's when I realized that despite the jeans being loose
enough to suit Manny Ramirez's taste, they still didn't manage to cover
up his ankles. You'd think the first lady and her Jackie O sense of
style that the media can't stop talking about would be able to find a
decent pair of jeans for her husband. You'd be wrong. Discarding that
solution, I watched the video again and realized that when the pitch was
thrown, the camera conveniently forgot to follow the path of the ball,
presumably in case the throw was bad. Unfortunately for all involved,
other cameras were able to see the result of the poor throw, and it was
replayed LeBron's publicist was able to destroy the tapes. I guess it's
better to be the king than president.

Anyway, sparing many technical details, you'll see that Obama's wind up is decent, but once he began the throwing motion, instead of doing the natural (and masculine) motion of moving his arm in a circle, he went against his momentum and pulled his arm back like he was throwing a dart. And the result was less than ideal. But hey, as Adam Carolla showed, it could have been a lot worse...three times.



Need more? Try Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory.

Does anybody know the French word for baseball?

It's true that I'm writing this entry for no reason other than to stay awake for the duration of the baseball All-Star game, but that shouldn't make it less worthless than any of the other posts. How come the All-Star game doesn't utilize the designated hitter no matter where the game is played? I realize the National League doesn't play with the DH and the game is in a national league ballpark, but contrary to what Bud Selig would like you to think, this one doesn't count. Both teams have 33 players on their roster, 8 more than a team is allowed to carry for the duration of a 162 game season, so why not use one of those players as a DH so we don't have to endure moments the boredom that accompanies watching Roy Halladay attempt to make good contact with a Tim Lincecum fastball? Moving past that for a moment, did the National League seriously just intentionally walk Victor Martinez? It's an exhibition game. Use your superstar pitcher and just get him out. He's probably the weakest hitter in the entire lineup. I get the strategy and that the double play was in order, but again, nobody wants to see that. At least Adam Jones was able to drive in the run from third anyway.

In entirely unrelated news, except that somebody has to be the loser, today was Bastille Day in France. Bastille Day celebrates the liberation of the Bastille on July 14th, 1789, which more or less began the process of bringing democracy to France. (On behalf of my American brethren, "You're welcome, freres.") So in honor of France, I've decided to pay them homage by throwing out some props for all the contributions they've made to the world.

1. French toast, or as limey friends call it, eggy-bread. Actually, it seems that this wasn't necessarily created by the French as it dates back to medieval times and is more likely a British concoction. Interesting. At least we can credit them for French Fries.

2. French Fries. Sure we may call them Freedom Fries now, but that doesn't reduce their deliciousness one bit. This is a little embarrassing, but it seems that in France, French fries are known as being Belgian.

3. Napoleon. There's nothing better on a hot summer day than a nice bowl of ice cream, but sometimes it's impossible to choose the flavor. Chocolate? Vanilla? Strawberry? Um, yes please! I'm still not sure why they named the ice cream after a French military commander, but I'm willing to accept it.

4. The Statue of Liberty. It was donated as a gift from France to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. But in accordance with French customs, it was dedicated 10 years late, in 1886. I guess they were thankful for freedom, but not that happy. It would also be nice if they would send some maids over to clean it once in a while. That green color is hiding the copper.

5. Many ways to not win a military conflict. Thomas Edison once said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work," while attempting to find the proper metal to be used a filament in the light bulb. As Americans, I think it's important that we realize the contribution the French have provided in this area. Instead of trying and finding things that don't work, we can just ask ourselves, "What would France do?" and just do the opposite. Plus we have this Google result for the search "French military victories."

6. The Tour de France. Without it, Lance Armstrong would be just another guy with one ball. Sheryl Crow would have been irrelevant 6 years sooner. And we wouldn't be able to quickly identify toolbags like this.

Thank you France. You clearly make all of our lives better.

The first amendment

Since it's the Fifth of July and fireworks (or maybe gunshots) are exploding outside of my apartment again tonight, I wanted to make one more post before the end of the holiday weekend about the beauty of America. Tonight, I want to focus on two things that I, as an American, hold most dear: baseball and the freedom of speech. Nothing brings those together quite like managers who feel slighted, so I've decided to scour Youtube for such clips and bring the best of those to you below.

Blowup 1: The manager of the Rome Braves disagrees with an umpire's assertion that the flyball one of his players hit was a foul ball. The first minute his simply yelling and nothing special, but it gets interesting (read as: original) at the 1:10 mark.

Blowup 2: Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox holds the all-time record for being thrown out of the game. For years, the Braves have had an excellent farm system that produces quality major league players and seems to be training the managers in the same light. This clip features Phil Wellman, and more importantly features incredible comedic action the entire clip.

Blowup 3: I have no idea who this is or what happened. The manager didn't really go nuts, but I love this video for two reasons. First of all, it must be noted that this umpire had to work the field since it's tough for an oompa loompa to see over the catcher. More notably, I think you have to appreciate the effort that the umpire put into running the coach. You just don't see form like that from Major League Umpires.



Blowup 4: This is the most defensive reaction I've ever seen an umpire have.



Blowup 5: Just to prove that getting tossed isn't exclusive to the minors, I bring you a clip of former Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver. The best part of this clip is that the conversation is clearly audible and genuinely funny. Be warned though, arguments with Weaver tend to be rather non-PC and contains extensive strong language.

Mood Swings and Misses

About a week ago, I wrote a post about several reasons why baseball is better in person. Today, I bring you one more reason to take yourself out to the ballgame.

This week's crazy (stupid) minor league promotion belongs to the Brooklyn Cyclones who are hosting Bellies and Baseball on July 19. Sadly, the night isn't dedicated to beer or its supple enthusiasts. Rather, it's a night to celebrate all the expectant mothers who happen to follow the Brooklyn baseballers. Perhaps, more correctly, both expectant mothers. On July 19, all pregnant women in attendance will be allowed to run...um...walk...um...hobble around the bases prior to the first pitch and patronize a concession stand selling pickles and anchovy pizza among other craving foods. Beside that, two things are particularly disturbing. Any woman who names her child Brooklyn or Cy will be awarded season tickets to the Cyclones for life. Alternatively, if a woman in attendance gives birth before the end of the game and at the ballpark, she and every other member of her family will receive season tickets for life.

This is hardly the first (or worst) promotional idea by a baseball team. The Elsinore (CA) Storm are having Anti-Flatulence Tuesdays to combat the all-you-can eat food that's becoming common place in ballparks. The University of Cincinnati's baseball team initiated Beach Day in which anybody wearing swim trunks, a wetsuit or bikini got in free. Sure enough the game was preemptively rained out and played on Friday. Regrettably, the bikini promotion didn't carry forward. Then again, who wants a stadium full of this? In 1951, the St. Louis Browns signed 3'-7" Eddie Gaedel to play one game. More recently, the Long Island Ducks signed John Rocker to a minor league contract and was released two months later...perhaps because the Ducks are a hockey team.

Returning to the promotion that inspired this post, the best part of the glowing event is the fact that it was announced six weeks in advance so ladies who want to participate still have time to become eligible. As Cyclone's general manager Steve Cohen creepily exclaimed, "There's still time," and I'm sure he'll be happy to help.

(In case you were wondering, my intent was to embed a picture of a pregnant woman wearing a baseball jersey, but I couldn't find one on Google Images. CC Sabathia was the closest I could get, but he is not pregnant. I wanted to nip any rumors about him being pregnant in the bud. His buns in the oven are in fact, buns in the oven. Dozens of them.)

One More Reason Baseball is Better Live

Despite being my favorite sport, it's impossible to dismiss the fact that it has obscenely sleep-provoking moments. Watching the game on TV subjects us to look at whatever the blow-hard announcer decides is worth talking about. However, it doesn't go without its benefits. (And I'm not talking about Eddie. *cough* gratuitous Erin Andrews links *cough* *cough* WARNING: not Erin Andrews *cough*) More importantly, commercial breaks last just long enough to visit the bathroom and restock the cup holders in your giant inflatable chair. However, being at the game doesn't bestow such opportunity because the time it takes the pitcher to warm up is conveniently the exact same amount of time it takes to get the attention of the 350 pound fan with enough back hair to shave a jersey on himself (and little enough shame to do it) that has been hogging your armrest the whole game and climb over him. Unfortunately, where there's one, there's usually more. Regardless, it's better than sitting next to this guy.

No matter, I didn't write this to persuade anybody that watching baseball on TV is better than being at the game. Despite not having time to finagle your way through the beer line and back to your seat without missing any time, there are actually reasons to go to a game. The Lemonade Shaking Guy, for instance. Of course, the game itself is nice but not worth $45 plus $8 per beer. What makes the game worth $45 per seat? The between inning entertainment. There's high powered t-shirt cannons, variations of the shell game, and most importantly, novelty racing.

Most of the time, the race involves participants that have some connection to the city the game is played in. The Washington Nationals race comical versions of dead presidents (shown at left), the Pittsburgh Pirates race pierogies, and the Milwaukee Brewers race sausages (sometimes with disastrous results - and for the record, I'm laughing now).

Just when you thought it couldn't get much more bizarre, this evening, to my dismay (as much because it's Saturday night as because of the partbicipants), I came across this video from www.cincinnati.com. It turns out, the Florence Freedom, the single A team for the Cincinnati Reds choose to race two eyeballs and Fat Elvis. For the better part of a half hour, I've been working on a punchline, but I'm now convinced that there is nothing I can say to make this video funnier, so I'll leave you with it and the images burned into your mind for the rest of your life. I'm sorry.