The news that matters to you

Few things in life irritate me more than the attention given to people who don't deserve it or get attention doing things I don't care about. Blame TMZ for getting it started, but this current trend in news coverage hardly ends there. HLN News and Views, formerly CNN Headline News, now has airs "Issues." That the one network that withheld their opinion now has an hour a day devoted to host Jane Valez-Mitchell's views on everyday issues isn't the most disturbing part. Check out her hair. How am I supposed to accept the opinions of a host who doesn't realize she sports a perfectly feathered mullet? It's one thing that she sports the hyphenated last name, but to also have a she-mullet? It's clear to me that there's no person in America who's more in touch with how we feel.

Speaking of which, I heard that Lindsay Lohan's house was robbed. She wasn't home, and nobody was hurt. I don't know why I'm supposed to care. I do feel compelled to point out that this happened the same night that Vince was burglarized on Entourage. I'm not saying it didn't really happen to Lindsay, but isn't it possible that she was on a bad trip and fell asleep with HBO on in the background? By the way, remember when Lindsay was relevant? And hot?

Though I'm not sure why the obsession with celebrities who haven't been busy in years or ones who never were, I really don't understand the fascination with celebrity couples. Unless it's me, I couldn't care less who Jennifer Aniston is dating. I care even less about who LeAnn Rimes is with. I didn't know anybody did. So I was a little shocked when I saw a picture of her with her new beau from a promotional poster for a Lifetime movie she did with him advertising their new relationship. I don't really care too much about the happy couple or the jealous ex husband, but I was shocked that she would ever allow a picture of her so closely resembling a blonde Michael Jackson to be made public...and not Thriller Michael either.

Speaking of dead celebrities, the owner of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe is auctioning it off on Ebay...and moving her dead husband's body in the process. The bidding ended today or else, I'd have provided a link, or at least placed a bid. Bidding started at $500,000 and was over $4,000,000 this morning. Though unsubstantiated, rumor has it the leading bidder at the time was TedKen1932. In an effort to help him out, I want to share some possible epitaphs for his eventual tomb.

"Take that, Jack"

"John - 69, Ted - Infinity"

"Yes, I'm buried upside down, but not so you can kiss my ass."

Internet video fun strikes back

I'm not sure if mascots getting wiped out is something new because they're doing more courageous (read as: stupider) things or if we just hear about it because the internet is so willing to share them all with us. I really don't care.

This first video comes from the Track and Field World Championships. It features Jamaican sprinter Melaine Walker, who had recently won the 400 meter hurdles in the second fastest time ever. As part of her victory celebration, she decided to mount Berlino, the mascot that the event organizers came up with for their event. Guess where it's at. Go on. I guess anybody with an ounce of creativity in Germany works on more important things like BMW, creates more ways to improve chocolate, left for Austria and created awesome music, or is just super hot. But I digress. Watch the video and be happy she wasn't riding fellow Jamaican Usain Bolt.

The first time I saw Berlino run into whatever it was that was on the track, I wondered how hard it was to see out of a mascot costume. Then I realized that the mascot was clearly struggling with Walker on its back and was looking straight at the ground while running. At least it stayed in its lane.

This next video revisits two topics I've touched on a previous blog all combined into one glorious moment in Pittsburgh. The Washington Nationals' dead presidents competed in a relay race with the Pirates' pierogies when this happened.

Alright, so all the mascot races where a participant falls/gets taken down are pretty comical, but the pierogi taking out Teddy Roosevelt was the point of that video. Need another angle? Finally, I'd recommend reading this about what other teams should use for their own races.

One more video for today. It's fairly common to see baseball players fight, though it's usually a bunch of posturing while waiting for their coaches to come out so they can save face without fighting. It's less often to see the coaches throw down. Throwing punches? Check.

Proof that the world is screwed up

Forgive me for being late to the party on this, but legendary musician Michael Jackson died at the ripe old age of 49. You already knew that? Oh.

In other news, Brooks and Dunn have decided to split up. The country duo that formed in 1991 and has won every single country duo award since then decided that this will be their final tour together. I actually can't believe they even have an award for best country duo. Are there others? At the very least, they did inspire this blog greatly with their song Put a Girl in It. (Make sure to turn the volume down before clicking that link.) Best advice ever, and the inspiration for including Miss Strahovski in this post (Want more? Watch Chuck.) even though she's not mentioned again.Though this is probably very upsetting to fans, it's hardly unexpected to those of us with a complete set of teeth. Breaking up was the most logical career move as Brooks and Dunn can now sing about losing their dog, their truck, their wife, and now, each other. Just not together.

Sticking with the country music topic, I just saw this video of Taylor Swift pranking Keith Urban. (Again with the muting.) If this is exciting for a country concert, why on earth do people go? Oh, the song was called "I Want a Kiss." That changes everything. Now seeing Taylor Swift dressed as Paul Stanley makes perfect sense. It's still not funny, but I get it.

Since I'm focusing on news that's at least weeks old, you probably heard about Best Buy selling TVs online for $9.99 and then reneging on the deal, which was lame. However, what you may have missed was a less impressive deal that was being offered on the black market. I imaging the exchange between husband and wife would have proceeded as follows.

Wife: Honey, can you help me get this box out of the car? It's too heavy for me.

Husband: It's the 2 minute warning. Can it wait a few minutes?

W: But you know the last two minutes always take 20.

H: Aww, come on, Honey.

W: It's your loss.

H: Thanks.... Wait. What's that mean?

W: Well, you know how you wanted a bigger TV for our anniversary last month? But we ended up getting new towels for the bathroom?

H: Yeah...

W: Well, go get the box.

H: But there's still 1:58 left. Wait. They just called a time out. I'm on it.

...

H: You bought a $2000 TV without consulting me?

W: That's not even the best part.

H: That wasn't even a good part...

W: You'll never guess the deal I got on it.

H: Just tell me.

W: No, you have to guess.

H: Well, it was originally $2000, I don't know. $3000?

W: Nope. It was only a hundred bucks.

H: One hundred dollars for a 37" TV? Are you sure the box isn't empty?

W: You tell me.

(opens the box)

H: Dear?

W: Are you excited?

H: You bought me a damn oven door.

W: What? The guy said he needed to make rent and was selling his TV.

H: You just spent $100 on an oven door THAT DOESN'T COME WITH AN OVEN.

W: Honey, don't be mad. I was really trying to do something sweet.

H: Whatever. You better get the money back. NOW.

W: But I need to get ready for my shift at the club tonight.

H: I don't care. Go get my money back.

W: Fine.

(Goes into house to get keys. Comes out with frying pan. Hits husband over his head with pan. Goes to prison. The end.)

Shaqtastic vs. Shaqesque

Tonight, Shaq Vs. debuted on ABC thus marking the start of the most anticipated reality show since American Gladiators was reborn, got really full of itself, and was quickly rekilled. At least, it's the one I'm looking forward to the most.

As everybody knows, the only thing bigger than Shaq is his personality. The show was born because he claimed he can compete with any athlete at any sport. The first episode will feature O'Neal taking on Ben Roethlisberger. (I only know how to spell that because they just flashed his name on the screen.) I'll be keeping a running diary with my thoughts below, so if you plan to watch the show on Hulu, you should probably do that first then continue.

The show's off to a bit of a boring start. There have been a few highlights, Shaq complaining that the SUV that picked him up at the airport was too small, for example, but so far it's just been talking. Shaq now claims that he's doing this because it's the ultimate cross training to get him ready to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The funniest moment so far: Big Ben challenged Shaq to make a free throw in his backyard court, which he missed "on purpose." A competitive game of HORSE followed with the football player winning and getting to dunk on Shaq as his prize.

It's now 9:15, and the announcer just exclaimed excitedly that we're less than 20 minutes away from the game which is a 7-on-7 competition with Shaq quarterbacking one team and Roethlis...eh, screw it...the other guy throwing for the other team. So it turns out that you only really need to watch the last 20 minutes to see the exciting (and hopefully hilarious) part. In the mean time, and since I'm currently watching a commercial break, enjoy this ad:

Charissa Thompson? Who? Where's Erin Andrews?!?! Isn't Shaq big enough to command the presence of Miss Andrews? Weak. Wait. No, this could work alright.

Ben just declared that if he loses he'll probably be too embarrassed to continue playing football. As though anybody wasn't rooting for Shaq initially... Oh, and it just got better! Shaq has squeezed into the biggest set of pads ever made. And they're still too small.

(I just saw a commercial for a new Courtney Cox show called Cougartown. I haven't been this unexcited for a new sitcom since Worst Week started up. I guess we are a little short on sitcoms featuring marginally attractive women manipulating men.)

Finally. Game time. Extra rules? I've got plenty. Three possessions each. No field goals. No running plays. Quarterbacks only play offense. Until now. On Ben's second possession, Shaq jumped from the sidelines, intercepted a pass on the sideline, and took it 70 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, that didn't stand, and the game resumed as it was. It's quite impressive watching Shaq outrun NFL wide receivers.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! With the score tied, Shaq's pass was intercepted in the endzone meaning another Ben touchdown will win the game. It's fitting that he's wearing the black jerseys. Game over. Ben wins. And NFL fans everywhere lose.

Next week: Shaq takes on Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball. I'll be watching.

Overall, the show isn't terrible. Unfortunately, it's not as ridiculous as I was hoping for. Obviously, being a professional athlete, Shaq will take the game seriously once it's time to go. Hopefully, beach volleyball or swimming or hot dog eating will provide more laughs.

yad sdrawkcab yppaH

That's right, August 13 has been designated National Left Handers' Day, and it's been formalized like all other major holidays, with its own website. As most people (in this case, those of us smart enough to use our right hands) realize, having National Days is nothing more than a desperate attempt to make inferior people feel, um, exferior. I'm not even sure why it's such a big deal at this point, it's plainly obvious that being left handed is a distinct advantage in this country. Why else would Paul McCartney leave England for America? I'll tell you it's probably not for the beer. And if baseball can be used for any sort of barometer, half of the people in the country are left handed, making today about as useful as a day elevating women or minorities.

There's nothing wrong with lefties, but it's more than a little upsetting listening the constant whining that their lives are so much more difficult in this country. I'd believe that if you didn't steer with your left hand. The computer mouse is designed to be used with the right hand, thus leaving your left hand free for...other activities. When you meet somebody new, you shake and consequently spread their germs to your right hand, which will enter your mouth next time you eat a taco...unless you're left handed.

According to researchers at Lafayette and Johns Hopkins Universities, left handed men who attended college earn 15% more on average than their right handed counterparts. That number rises to 26% more if they graduated. I'm pretty sure this calls for government intervention, and I demand that my pay be increased, but there's no way that can happen until the Great Left Handed Conspiracy has been uncovered. That's right, just two presidents since Richard Nixon have thrown the first pitch from the third base side of the mound. (Side note: perhaps Obama can throw from the right side next time year.)

So in honor of our left handed friends, please smear everything you write today to the point that it becomes nearly illegible. Or at least wipe with the left hand today.

On a semi-unrelated note, today, the US Mint unveiled a brand new penny! The most telling line from the article: it costs $0.014 to make a penny that's worth exactly $0.010 once completed. Only the government can ensure the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

Alright, so they want to continue producing pennies, that's fine. Somewhere, there's a gumball machine that still uses them. However, to spend the money to redesign and update the molds is the definition of insanity. However, it's nice to know that we now have everything else under control.