The news that matters to you

Few things in life irritate me more than the attention given to people who don't deserve it or get attention doing things I don't care about. Blame TMZ for getting it started, but this current trend in news coverage hardly ends there. HLN News and Views, formerly CNN Headline News, now has airs "Issues." That the one network that withheld their opinion now has an hour a day devoted to host Jane Valez-Mitchell's views on everyday issues isn't the most disturbing part. Check out her hair. How am I supposed to accept the opinions of a host who doesn't realize she sports a perfectly feathered mullet? It's one thing that she sports the hyphenated last name, but to also have a she-mullet? It's clear to me that there's no person in America who's more in touch with how we feel.

Speaking of which, I heard that Lindsay Lohan's house was robbed. She wasn't home, and nobody was hurt. I don't know why I'm supposed to care. I do feel compelled to point out that this happened the same night that Vince was burglarized on Entourage. I'm not saying it didn't really happen to Lindsay, but isn't it possible that she was on a bad trip and fell asleep with HBO on in the background? By the way, remember when Lindsay was relevant? And hot?

Though I'm not sure why the obsession with celebrities who haven't been busy in years or ones who never were, I really don't understand the fascination with celebrity couples. Unless it's me, I couldn't care less who Jennifer Aniston is dating. I care even less about who LeAnn Rimes is with. I didn't know anybody did. So I was a little shocked when I saw a picture of her with her new beau from a promotional poster for a Lifetime movie she did with him advertising their new relationship. I don't really care too much about the happy couple or the jealous ex husband, but I was shocked that she would ever allow a picture of her so closely resembling a blonde Michael Jackson to be made public...and not Thriller Michael either.

Speaking of dead celebrities, the owner of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe is auctioning it off on Ebay...and moving her dead husband's body in the process. The bidding ended today or else, I'd have provided a link, or at least placed a bid. Bidding started at $500,000 and was over $4,000,000 this morning. Though unsubstantiated, rumor has it the leading bidder at the time was TedKen1932. In an effort to help him out, I want to share some possible epitaphs for his eventual tomb.

"Take that, Jack"

"John - 69, Ted - Infinity"

"Yes, I'm buried upside down, but not so you can kiss my ass."