Shaqtastic vs. Shaqesque

Tonight, Shaq Vs. debuted on ABC thus marking the start of the most anticipated reality show since American Gladiators was reborn, got really full of itself, and was quickly rekilled. At least, it's the one I'm looking forward to the most.

As everybody knows, the only thing bigger than Shaq is his personality. The show was born because he claimed he can compete with any athlete at any sport. The first episode will feature O'Neal taking on Ben Roethlisberger. (I only know how to spell that because they just flashed his name on the screen.) I'll be keeping a running diary with my thoughts below, so if you plan to watch the show on Hulu, you should probably do that first then continue.

The show's off to a bit of a boring start. There have been a few highlights, Shaq complaining that the SUV that picked him up at the airport was too small, for example, but so far it's just been talking. Shaq now claims that he's doing this because it's the ultimate cross training to get him ready to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The funniest moment so far: Big Ben challenged Shaq to make a free throw in his backyard court, which he missed "on purpose." A competitive game of HORSE followed with the football player winning and getting to dunk on Shaq as his prize.

It's now 9:15, and the announcer just exclaimed excitedly that we're less than 20 minutes away from the game which is a 7-on-7 competition with Shaq quarterbacking one team and Roethlis...eh, screw it...the other guy throwing for the other team. So it turns out that you only really need to watch the last 20 minutes to see the exciting (and hopefully hilarious) part. In the mean time, and since I'm currently watching a commercial break, enjoy this ad:

Charissa Thompson? Who? Where's Erin Andrews?!?! Isn't Shaq big enough to command the presence of Miss Andrews? Weak. Wait. No, this could work alright.

Ben just declared that if he loses he'll probably be too embarrassed to continue playing football. As though anybody wasn't rooting for Shaq initially... Oh, and it just got better! Shaq has squeezed into the biggest set of pads ever made. And they're still too small.

(I just saw a commercial for a new Courtney Cox show called Cougartown. I haven't been this unexcited for a new sitcom since Worst Week started up. I guess we are a little short on sitcoms featuring marginally attractive women manipulating men.)

Finally. Game time. Extra rules? I've got plenty. Three possessions each. No field goals. No running plays. Quarterbacks only play offense. Until now. On Ben's second possession, Shaq jumped from the sidelines, intercepted a pass on the sideline, and took it 70 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, that didn't stand, and the game resumed as it was. It's quite impressive watching Shaq outrun NFL wide receivers.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! With the score tied, Shaq's pass was intercepted in the endzone meaning another Ben touchdown will win the game. It's fitting that he's wearing the black jerseys. Game over. Ben wins. And NFL fans everywhere lose.

Next week: Shaq takes on Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball. I'll be watching.

Overall, the show isn't terrible. Unfortunately, it's not as ridiculous as I was hoping for. Obviously, being a professional athlete, Shaq will take the game seriously once it's time to go. Hopefully, beach volleyball or swimming or hot dog eating will provide more laughs.