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That's right, August 13 has been designated National Left Handers' Day, and it's been formalized like all other major holidays, with its own website. As most people (in this case, those of us smart enough to use our right hands) realize, having National Days is nothing more than a desperate attempt to make inferior people feel, um, exferior. I'm not even sure why it's such a big deal at this point, it's plainly obvious that being left handed is a distinct advantage in this country. Why else would Paul McCartney leave England for America? I'll tell you it's probably not for the beer. And if baseball can be used for any sort of barometer, half of the people in the country are left handed, making today about as useful as a day elevating women or minorities.

There's nothing wrong with lefties, but it's more than a little upsetting listening the constant whining that their lives are so much more difficult in this country. I'd believe that if you didn't steer with your left hand. The computer mouse is designed to be used with the right hand, thus leaving your left hand free for...other activities. When you meet somebody new, you shake and consequently spread their germs to your right hand, which will enter your mouth next time you eat a taco...unless you're left handed.

According to researchers at Lafayette and Johns Hopkins Universities, left handed men who attended college earn 15% more on average than their right handed counterparts. That number rises to 26% more if they graduated. I'm pretty sure this calls for government intervention, and I demand that my pay be increased, but there's no way that can happen until the Great Left Handed Conspiracy has been uncovered. That's right, just two presidents since Richard Nixon have thrown the first pitch from the third base side of the mound. (Side note: perhaps Obama can throw from the right side next time year.)

So in honor of our left handed friends, please smear everything you write today to the point that it becomes nearly illegible. Or at least wipe with the left hand today.

On a semi-unrelated note, today, the US Mint unveiled a brand new penny! The most telling line from the article: it costs $0.014 to make a penny that's worth exactly $0.010 once completed. Only the government can ensure the whole is less than the sum of its parts.

Alright, so they want to continue producing pennies, that's fine. Somewhere, there's a gumball machine that still uses them. However, to spend the money to redesign and update the molds is the definition of insanity. However, it's nice to know that we now have everything else under control.