A Hannukah gift for her

According to CBS, who apparently cares, the gift to give your wife this Hannukah isn't a dreidel, a new menorah, or even this dog. No, the gift du jour is a pap smear (which, to Jews, is apparently pronounced as pap schmear).

Not Jewish? Don't worry, it works for Christmas, too. Though compared to a new vacuum cleaner, the doctor visit isn't quite as attractive.

So, to summarize, dreidel isn't as good as a pap smear which is almost as good as a vacuum cleaner. (If you decide to go with any of these, I'd suggest the Roomba. She'll leave you either way, but with a Roomba, at least you'll have a robot that does exactly what you've desired of her, crawl around on the floor and suck.)

That works great for men, but like CBS, I want to make sure I don't discriminate. What if you're a straight woman? Getting yourself a pap smear (What's the record for saying pap smear in a single blog entry?) would just come across as selfish. Remember, this is the season for giving. So what can you give?

Jewish? It still works.

Just to make sure you're reading this right, the most important thing you can do for your man this winter is to have someone stick their fingers up his butt. And don't think you won't get something out of his visit to the assman for yourself. It comes with free heterosexual confirmation to make sure you don't have ANOTHER boyfriend/husband turn gay. If he enjoys his appointment, it might be time to move on.