Another stupid study

Yesterday, I made the decision to use this forum for the common good by sharing the results of a study finding that texting while driving is more dangerous than simply driving while driving. My hope is that sharing those shocking findings stopped at least one of the four people who read this from putting themselves in danger. Today, I hope to use the same corner of the internet to prevent you from committing a web faux pas. It turns out, in a recent poll, the word "whatever" is the most hated word to come from the internet age.

A survey conducted from August 3-6, asked 938 adults which of the following words they found most annoying: whatever, you know, anyway, it is what it is, and at the end of the day. The polling was conducted by telephone and was followed up by asking what the most annoying thing about using the phone was. The overwhelming majority responded with "written in" retort: "this call." The rest responded, "Yo no hablo Inglés."

Beyond the absurdity of the question, I can't figure out what the point was. Clearly, this poll was conducted by adults with other adults as the targeted group. So by putting out a list of words adults find annoying, do they hope their 13-year-old daughter will stop using them? Seriously? I have to believe it was a bit more thought out than that. With such obvious options as "like,""lol" (or variations like lolz, rofl, or even roflol) and "j/k" being omitted, I think the hope is that by pretending they aren't annoyed by those words, they'll be replaced with "whatever."

Regardless, I happened to hear a recording of one of these calls (which had been recorded for quality assurance). Its transcrpit follows.

Pollster: Good evening, Mr. Johns. How are you this evening?

Mark Jones: Can I help you?

P: Yes. I'm conducting a poll for The Onion, and would like to ask you a few questions.

MJ: The Onion?

P: Yes, we're an online news source.

MJ: Just ask your question.

P: Alright. Our poll is inquiring about the word from the internet you find most annoying. Here are you choices, please pick the one you find more annoying than the rest. Ready?

MJ: Whatever...

P: "Whatever." Thank you very much for your time.

MJ: Wait. What? You didn't even list the...[click]...choices. Hello? (muttering) What a stupid question. My Hungry Man better not be cold. Whatever.

(End scene.)

Who pays for this stuff?

According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.

In related news:

Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!

Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.

A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.

Lawmakers are reta...um...special

Apparently, Ohio's esteemed governor, Ted Strickland, has signed a law that will remove the "r-word" from the the acronym MRDD. Of
course, MRDD stands for mental retardation and developmental disabilities, and the word retardation is too insulting to include. To my knowledge, Ohio is the first state to enact such legislation, and I for one couldn't be happier to call myself an Ohioan. To my knowledge, I'm the first person ever to state that publicly.

So why does this make me happy? Because it clearly means there are no other problems for the government to be working on. Apparently, the recession is over, everybody has a job, and crime no longer takes place. And Cleveland hasn't set the Cuyahoga River on fire for 40 years! The fact is that the state has no money and has required two consecutive week-long temporary budgets with the governor threatening that there will not be a third. It could be worse though. At least Ohio didn't have to pony up $1,400,000 to provide security for any recent memorial services. Though apparently, attendees are donating generously to the cause. (My favorite part of that last link was the button that said, "Have a better idea? Let us know about it.")

Actually, it makes me happy because I can now use the word retard with reckless abandon. Though the writing's been on the wall for the word for years, I'm not quite sure the retards in Columbus thought this one through. Perhaps they can think about it on the short bus during their ride home.

Once the movement to stop calling retards retarded began, the word "special" was chosen to replace it. Immediately, special was picked up be school kids everywhere as the insult du jour. (That means insult of the day, retard.) To this day, I can't have somebody call me special without immediately asking if they mean short-bus special. The word retard was chosen to define people with developmental disabilities, and it was subsequently used as an insult. Now the phrase "developmentally disabled" is going to replace retard in all state business. How long before being called DD is considered an insult? (Isn't calling somebody a designated driver already somewhat insulting?) Wait until the 10-year-olds catch on. "You're so DD." "No I'm not. You are, retard!"

Next, people in wheelchairs won't be called handicapped so their feelings aren't hurt. And smart people won't be called nerds. (Actually, that one won't happen because the retards making our laws were never insulted with such a term.) Here's my point. We've created words to define people and groups of people, both good and bad. And there is NOTHING wrong with that because everybody is different. That's what special used to mean.

I guess this is what happens when retards are the only people willing to run for office.

(Disclaimer: I've volunteered for the Special Olympics. I'm allowed to say this.)