Ten most hated athletes

Every morning, I begrudgingly wake up and turn on channel 68, HLN. It started because I put a TV in my bedroom, and stumbled across Robin Meade one morning. She, and her daily low cut shirts, almost makes me enjoy getting up. This morning, she unveiled a list of the 10 most hated athletes as compiled by Forbes. It's my intent to explain why Forbes is wrong.

1. Michael Vick - This one seems like a no-brainer given his dog fighting conviction. Way to go out on a limb. Here's the thing. Vick killed dogs. Donte Stallworth struck and killed somebody with his car while driving drunk. He spent 24 days in jail. Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while in a crowded nightclub and got a similar slap on the wrist. It's a sad day when people care more about dogs (which would behave as Vick had them if not for people) than other humans.

2. Manny Ramirez - I don't agree that he's even the most hated player in baseball. In fact, I don't even think he's the second most hated player in baseball. Sure it came out today that he used steroids in 2003. There were 103 other players on that list. I prefer to spread my hate evenly.

3. Alex Rodriguez - Easily the most hated player in baseball. Great player. Good looking. Over paid. And also on that list in 2003. I lied. I definitely hate him more than both of the players above.

4. Terrell Owens - He's not really hated. The attention he gets is what people hate. This is the same reason people hate the Yankees and Red Sox. It started as apathy but quickly turned to hate when we couldn't get away. (see also Brothers, Jonas)

5. Kobe Bryant - Acquitted of raping a hotel worker. To ensure his level of public hate would reach unprecedented success, he bought his wife a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR RING. Moreover, he plays for the Lakers who garner extra hate for being successful for so long.

6. Allen Iverson - So he doesn't like to practice. Who does? It's hard to hate the one player who doesn't view representing the United States as a chore and actually considers it an honor.

7. Isiah Thomas - Once a very good player. Once a terrible general manager. Now the coach of Florida International. Hated? By Knicks fans. Laughed at by everybody else.

8. Stephon Marbury - I would venture to say 90% of non-NBA fans have never even heard of him. There's no way he should even be mentioned in the same list as people like A-Rod. Fail.

9. Nick Saban - So he coached very successfully at LSU, went to the NFL and coached the Dolphins (You should already know the result.), and returned to college coaching at LSU's rival, Alabama. That makes him hated? He pulled a Pitino (Kentucky, Boston Celtics, Louisville). Pitino did not pull a Saban.

10. John McEnroe - Who hated this guy? Everybody I know wishes he still played because he would make tennis exciting. Maybe there are a more chair umpires than I realized who hate him enough to get him in the top 10. Plus he stopped playing 25 years ago.

Here's how the top 10 should have looked:

1. Barry Bonds. Not even in the Forbes top 10. Really?

2. Alex Rodriguez.

3. Michael Vick

4. Tom Brady. For his success, looks, and taking Giselle off the market.

5. Rick Pitino. Left Kentucky (crazy fans), for the Celtics, then to Louisville (who UK hates). Plus his hair tried to eat me.

6. Charlie Weiss. Fat coach of Notre Dame who lamented never being given a fair chance at coaching in the NFL because of his weight. While riding a Rascal.

7. Kobe Bryant

8. George Steinbrenner. Pioneer of the $250,000,000 payroll and owner of a $1,000,000,000 ballpark with $1700 seats.

9. Adam "Pacman" Jones. Can't stop from committing crimes. People dream of playing in the NFL but never will. He does and keeps blowing it.

10. Roger Clemens. Paid $20,000,000+ to play HALF of a season with the Yankees. Plus he's the steroids whipping boy for pitchers.

So thank you, Robin, for sharing this terrible list with me. Hopefully, someday it'll re-emerge as number one on my list of terrible lists.

Help needed

Is there a female comedian (or comedienne, if you're a lesbian) that's legitimately funny? I'm not talking about an actress unless she started in standup. I've watched many episodes of Comedy Central Presents and even spent some time on YouTube to no avail. I'm not trying to be sexist. I honestly can't find a single funny one.

Tonight, I even attempted watching HBO's One Night Stand featuring Bonnie McFarlane thinking that Comedy Central's censors cut out all their funny content. (Though I don't believe a person needs to be crass to be funny. Mike Birbiglia is a prime example of that.)

Regardless, here's part of that special. You'll notice that she starts laughing after some of her jokes, which amazes me because I didn't laugh after any of them. I'm assuming she's laughing because everybody there paid to endure her. Either way, I don't particularly enjoy the fact that this is a 7 minute video in which she tells somewhere close to 1 million jokes. It could just be my sense of humor, but listening to the awkward laughs of the audience tells me I'm not alone. While you're watching keep in mind that everything is funnier in person.

So there's exhibit A, but there are plenty of other female comedians. For my money, the funniest female comedian is Sarah Silverman even though I don't really enjoy her show. Her standup is alright, but falls into some of the traps other women fall into. If comedians had a set list, most women would have one that looks like the following:

Complain about sex

Complain about men/boyfriend/husband

Complain about how hard it is to be a woman

Complain about men

Here's the thing. Complaining isn't funny. Moreover, I would challenge anybody in the audience to honestly say they don't want to trade lives with the performer. Regardless, Silverman (by virtue of Jimmy Kimmel) has produced one of the funniest YouTube moments of all time.

Thankfully, Jimmy has more resources and was able to respond in the only way that made sense.

But that's beside the point. The only reason I can come up with for why females continue to exist in the world of stand up comedy is the two drink minimum. Some people think it's because everybody's funnier when the audience has had a few drinks. They're wrong. It's so the club can avoid a lawsuit for sexism by only requiring two drinks when a woman is performing. Why only when a woman is performing? Because with two drinks any woman turns into Heidi Klum.

Now this isn't intended to be a post railing against female comedians. I'd really love to laugh at someone that I found attractive instead of Ricky Gervais. So please, please share any funny (or retarded, but super hot) female comedians or else this mild irritation will quickly turn into a full blown loathing that only compares to my contempt for the Yankees, Red Sox, and the Shamwow Guy.

There's a reason they're waiting for a promotion

By now, I've probably beaten Obamathrowslikeagirl (whose going off at 3-1 at the 2010 Kentucky Derby) to the point where it's only got about three good laughs left before it starts to feel as original as a Judd Apatow movie. So instead of commenting on the president's rag arm, I'll mock the mascot for the Binghamton Mets for his feminine home run celebration with an extremely demasculinizing conclusion. At least mascots are flat like Ken.

Unfortunately, such occurrences aren't very predictable, but that's not always the case. Some train wrecks are planned. For example, the AA affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles hosted pillow fight night on July 24. The Bowie Baysox invited all fans who wanted to participate to bring pillows to the game, after which, they were invited down on the field to experience the world's largest pillow fight. The field was separated into several sections: families with young children, families with teenagers, adults only, and hardcore (pillowcases stuffed with quarters and bars of soap). The stands were reserved for creeps and teenage boys.

Speaking of women and their cars

To my knowledge, the only reason for visiting Memphis since Elvis died was to visit his grave. Now, I might visit to have my car stolen. Recently, a woman wearing only a bikini walked up to a car and demanded that driver get out and give her the car. Normally, a story like this plants a funny scenario into my head about how this happened as soon as I read the headline. Like an idiot, reading the story leads to a much less climatic situation. This headline inspired two scenarios that I wanted to happen equally.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Who would give up their car to a female hijacker? Especially one who was only wearing a bikini? It was probably Lois Einhorn." My two answers: a woman and a man.

Situation 1 - The woman -

A woman driving her Prius home from the organic grocery store. (Sidenote: an organic grocery store isn't nearly as exciting as the name sounds.) The bikini clad woman walks up to the driver's window and taps on it. The woman proceeds to crack the window so slightly that her credit card wouldn't fit through and asked what the bikini woman wanted. When the response was to get out of her car, I have to imagine the only thought she could have had was, "Of all the days to let my metro boyfriend drive the SUV... I could floor it, but I think she would outrun me. What else can I do? Maybe, if I ask nicely, she'll let me get my eerily brown eggs. She is a woman after all. She'll be able to relate to me. Yeah, I'll do that."

Situation 2 - The man -

A guy driving home from the strip club is stopped at a red light, and a bikini clad woman walks up. He rolls down the window, and leans out to see if she "needs a ride." She tells him she has a gun and to get out of the car. Being slightly buzzed, he laughs in her face and asks where she's keeping it. However, his state of inebriation prevents him from just driving off, so he gets out to show her the most logical place - her ears - at which point, she gets in and drives off.

Unfortunately, neither story is true. In reality, she stole the car from a woman who only requested that she be allowed to take her kids. I can't make fun of her for that, but I will make fun of the robber for not quitting while she was ahead. Apparently, sober store owners aren't as susceptible to half naked fives as half drunk ones, which resulted in them restraining her until the police arrived. Lame.

I'm pretty sure it was Elvis.