The good and bad of Christmas specials

Few things are more pleasing to me than coming home from work flipping on the TV and watching the flickering colors until I fall asleep in my chair 6 hours later. I know, I know, sleep is for the weak. So is reading, hypocrite. Regardless, I've found an increasingly annoying number of Christmas specials to be replacing worthwhile television programming. So in my effort to do all of your thinking for you, allow me to advise you as to which ones are worth watching.

Before continuing, allow me to explain that I will not comment on Christmas movies, regardless of whether or not they were made for TV (A Diva's Christmas Carol). Here's a day-by-day schedule filled mostly with atrocities that details the crap we'll be subjected to over the next few weeks. My only regret is that I didn't realize they started back in March.

First and foremost, if you live in the United States, as I assume most of you do, count your lucky stars that the winners of your reality singing competitions look like this, and not like this. That's right, last night Carrie Underwood hosted a Christmas special on FOX. Don't worry if you missed it, she'll grace our TVs once again on December 22, and though it's not there yet, I'd assume it'll be on Hulu.com soon. In the mean time, our Limey counterparts will be graced by the lovely presence of Susan Boyle. I can't criticize her singing, but perhaps a radio special is more appropriate.

On a more traditional front, you all know about Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, neither of which will have me putting the remote down, but to each his own, I suppose. However, to prove that making horrible sequels isn't new, I submit Rudolph's Shiny New Year. It's a touching tale of Rudolph rescuing Baby New Year before midnight and thus allowing the New Year to commence, a story based on the little known second verse of the classic carol. As far as Frosty the Snowman goes, it's sequel, which included an aerosol spray that immediately melted snow leave a bit to be desired as well. Though not as bad as Rudolph's second installment, it's only worth your time if you can get out of work to view it. There is one Frosty sequel that's worth your time (because it's only two minutes long). That and Foxnews.com really doesn't want you to watch it. (Note to Fox: If you don't want people to watch it, the most effective way to keep people away is DEFINITELY to write a scathing post complete with links.)

In looking through the schedule, I notice a gratuitous lack of classic shows. Below are some of my favorite Christmas specials and episodes. Also, Fanpop has provided a list of 101 specials with links to where you can watch them.

Seinfeld

WKRP in Cincinnati (part 2)

ALF's Special Christmas

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

The Honeymooners (part 2) (part 3)

A Hannukah gift for her

According to CBS, who apparently cares, the gift to give your wife this Hannukah isn't a dreidel, a new menorah, or even this dog. No, the gift du jour is a pap smear (which, to Jews, is apparently pronounced as pap schmear).

Not Jewish? Don't worry, it works for Christmas, too. Though compared to a new vacuum cleaner, the doctor visit isn't quite as attractive.

So, to summarize, dreidel isn't as good as a pap smear which is almost as good as a vacuum cleaner. (If you decide to go with any of these, I'd suggest the Roomba. She'll leave you either way, but with a Roomba, at least you'll have a robot that does exactly what you've desired of her, crawl around on the floor and suck.)

That works great for men, but like CBS, I want to make sure I don't discriminate. What if you're a straight woman? Getting yourself a pap smear (What's the record for saying pap smear in a single blog entry?) would just come across as selfish. Remember, this is the season for giving. So what can you give?

Jewish? It still works.

Just to make sure you're reading this right, the most important thing you can do for your man this winter is to have someone stick their fingers up his butt. And don't think you won't get something out of his visit to the assman for yourself. It comes with free heterosexual confirmation to make sure you don't have ANOTHER boyfriend/husband turn gay. If he enjoys his appointment, it might be time to move on.

Another stupid study

Yesterday, I made the decision to use this forum for the common good by sharing the results of a study finding that texting while driving is more dangerous than simply driving while driving. My hope is that sharing those shocking findings stopped at least one of the four people who read this from putting themselves in danger. Today, I hope to use the same corner of the internet to prevent you from committing a web faux pas. It turns out, in a recent poll, the word "whatever" is the most hated word to come from the internet age.

A survey conducted from August 3-6, asked 938 adults which of the following words they found most annoying: whatever, you know, anyway, it is what it is, and at the end of the day. The polling was conducted by telephone and was followed up by asking what the most annoying thing about using the phone was. The overwhelming majority responded with "written in" retort: "this call." The rest responded, "Yo no hablo Inglés."

Beyond the absurdity of the question, I can't figure out what the point was. Clearly, this poll was conducted by adults with other adults as the targeted group. So by putting out a list of words adults find annoying, do they hope their 13-year-old daughter will stop using them? Seriously? I have to believe it was a bit more thought out than that. With such obvious options as "like,""lol" (or variations like lolz, rofl, or even roflol) and "j/k" being omitted, I think the hope is that by pretending they aren't annoyed by those words, they'll be replaced with "whatever."

Regardless, I happened to hear a recording of one of these calls (which had been recorded for quality assurance). Its transcrpit follows.

Pollster: Good evening, Mr. Johns. How are you this evening?

Mark Jones: Can I help you?

P: Yes. I'm conducting a poll for The Onion, and would like to ask you a few questions.

MJ: The Onion?

P: Yes, we're an online news source.

MJ: Just ask your question.

P: Alright. Our poll is inquiring about the word from the internet you find most annoying. Here are you choices, please pick the one you find more annoying than the rest. Ready?

MJ: Whatever...

P: "Whatever." Thank you very much for your time.

MJ: Wait. What? You didn't even list the...[click]...choices. Hello? (muttering) What a stupid question. My Hungry Man better not be cold. Whatever.

(End scene.)

Who pays for this stuff?

According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.

In related news:

Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!

Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.

A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.