Another stupid study

Yesterday, I made the decision to use this forum for the common good by sharing the results of a study finding that texting while driving is more dangerous than simply driving while driving. My hope is that sharing those shocking findings stopped at least one of the four people who read this from putting themselves in danger. Today, I hope to use the same corner of the internet to prevent you from committing a web faux pas. It turns out, in a recent poll, the word "whatever" is the most hated word to come from the internet age.

A survey conducted from August 3-6, asked 938 adults which of the following words they found most annoying: whatever, you know, anyway, it is what it is, and at the end of the day. The polling was conducted by telephone and was followed up by asking what the most annoying thing about using the phone was. The overwhelming majority responded with "written in" retort: "this call." The rest responded, "Yo no hablo Inglés."

Beyond the absurdity of the question, I can't figure out what the point was. Clearly, this poll was conducted by adults with other adults as the targeted group. So by putting out a list of words adults find annoying, do they hope their 13-year-old daughter will stop using them? Seriously? I have to believe it was a bit more thought out than that. With such obvious options as "like,""lol" (or variations like lolz, rofl, or even roflol) and "j/k" being omitted, I think the hope is that by pretending they aren't annoyed by those words, they'll be replaced with "whatever."

Regardless, I happened to hear a recording of one of these calls (which had been recorded for quality assurance). Its transcrpit follows.

Pollster: Good evening, Mr. Johns. How are you this evening?

Mark Jones: Can I help you?

P: Yes. I'm conducting a poll for The Onion, and would like to ask you a few questions.

MJ: The Onion?

P: Yes, we're an online news source.

MJ: Just ask your question.

P: Alright. Our poll is inquiring about the word from the internet you find most annoying. Here are you choices, please pick the one you find more annoying than the rest. Ready?

MJ: Whatever...

P: "Whatever." Thank you very much for your time.

MJ: Wait. What? You didn't even list the...[click]...choices. Hello? (muttering) What a stupid question. My Hungry Man better not be cold. Whatever.

(End scene.)

Who pays for this stuff?

According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.

In related news:

Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!

Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.

A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.

Since you probably missed this

I feel like going out on a limb today and want to guess that if you're reading this, you didn't watch the Primetime Emmy Awards last night. That's fair. Neither did I. And I watch about 8 hours of TV each day. Generally, I'm a sucker for award shows, but last night, I was much more excited for football and a new episode of Entourage. Of course, the awards show turned into hot news this morning, and the reviews of the show along with lists of winners were everywhere. So here's a list of things we missed, some unfortunate, others to be thankful about. I'll start with the terrible things and work toward the things I wish I'd have seen.


In memoriam. It's typically a terrible portion of any awards show. Last night was made extra miserable by the presence Sarah McLachlan singing "I Will Remember You." I actually feel bad for the audience because she was there. This is normally the one segment of the show where you know you won't be videotaped during that portion. It's a chance to visit the bathroom, reapply your lipstick, have a quickie, or pick your nose. Nobody knows who the dead people are until the last 20 seconds anyway. Not only was the song lame and the live performance typically pompous, the fact that Sarah sounds more than a little cow-like. I'd credit this to her 2-minute-long SPCA commercials, but it's not really a new thing.

Next most annoying: choosing the wrong winners. For this, I have to admit that I watched the last half hour, but that's it. I swear. During that time, I saw 4 awards and disagreed with two of them. The winner for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series went to The Daily Show beating out The Colbert Report, amongst others. Jon Stewart hasn't been funny in three years and hasn't been funnier than Colbert since Colbert was on The Daily Show. Allow me to explain The Daily Show in fifteen words. Play video of President Bush saying something out of context. Make funny face. Await laughter. End explanation. Don't believe me? Watch tonight and tell me I'm wrong. And then watch Colbert at 11:30 when he'll likely feature another installment of "Who's not Honoring Me Now."

Not quite as bad was 30 Rock winning Outstanding Comedy Series besting The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Family Guy, Flight of the Concords, Weeds, and Entourage. Based solely on the order I would watch those shows if they were all on my DVR, I would put 30 Rock in third place, at best. The Office had one of its best seasons yet, and How I Met Your Mother transformed from a replacement for Monday Night Football into TV I would schedule my night around.

I'm neutral on the musical number Neil Patrick Harris opened the show with. You can watch the video below. I tend to not enjoy elaborate musical numbers, but there were some funny lyrics in this one.

Ricky Gervais should host this and every awards show. I posted a few videos of his previous Emmy appearances, or lack thereof, here. Last night provided more laughs as Ricky did his best "I'm not Barack Obama" impersonation by going off the teleprompter. I'm not sure why he hasn't taken off in the United States, but he remains one of the funniest people on earth. Certainly the funniest in England.

Finally, I'm now in love with the red carpet. Or should I say Blake Lively. Look at the picture above. It's almost enough to make me watch Gossip Girl. It's definitely enough to make me stop writing.

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year

The past few weeks, it seems as though people have really been on edge, and who can blame them? The Red Sox are playing well which means their fans have returned to their unbearable levels of smug. The Yankees are likely to join them in the playoffs, which pisses everybody else off. However, baseball isn't the only source of frustration.

Beyonce was robbed of the MTV Video Music Award for best female video by Taylor Swift, no less. I guess watching the two videos, Kanye had a point. I mean, Beyonce did make one of the best videos of all time! (By the way, who determined that Taylor Swift should write her own songs? At some point, shouldn't her manager pull her aside and inform her that they sound exactly the same? And that they aren't good in the first place? And for the record, if you think dressing like this will score you the hot guy you want when the competing girl is dressed like this, well, that's just crazy. Besides, what kind of message does it send 12-year-old girls? That you can be ugly and still get the hot guys? False. One more thing. Her genre is 100% pop with less country than Pepsi has nutritional value, so please, for the love of all that's sacred, stop calling her a country singer.)

Congressman Joe Wilson shouted "You lie" during the president's speech about health care, but what nobody's talking about is that he was using an earpiece to listen to ESPN radio. When they said his South Carolina Gamecocks would only win three games this year, he simply couldn't contain himself. Don't hate the player, hate ESPN.

But now that the fall is here, tempers have eased, and civility has been restored. The weather has cooled, football has kicked off, and scripted television has returned. As a result, the focus of this blog is likely going to change from a state of entropy to something discussing the shows worth watching on the TV. Of course, I promise I won't stop making fun of stupidity. It might even stop me from running out of things to write about.

Obviously, the summer wasn't without its share of shows worth watching. Shows like Entourage started in the summer (with Sloan featured in a much more prominent role), but with the majority of new programming being reality shows, there was little worth scheduling around. Thankfully, it's the most wonderful time of the year for couch potatoes.

End of boring post.