Ten most hated athletes

Every morning, I begrudgingly wake up and turn on channel 68, HLN. It started because I put a TV in my bedroom, and stumbled across Robin Meade one morning. She, and her daily low cut shirts, almost makes me enjoy getting up. This morning, she unveiled a list of the 10 most hated athletes as compiled by Forbes. It's my intent to explain why Forbes is wrong.

1. Michael Vick - This one seems like a no-brainer given his dog fighting conviction. Way to go out on a limb. Here's the thing. Vick killed dogs. Donte Stallworth struck and killed somebody with his car while driving drunk. He spent 24 days in jail. Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg while in a crowded nightclub and got a similar slap on the wrist. It's a sad day when people care more about dogs (which would behave as Vick had them if not for people) than other humans.

2. Manny Ramirez - I don't agree that he's even the most hated player in baseball. In fact, I don't even think he's the second most hated player in baseball. Sure it came out today that he used steroids in 2003. There were 103 other players on that list. I prefer to spread my hate evenly.

3. Alex Rodriguez - Easily the most hated player in baseball. Great player. Good looking. Over paid. And also on that list in 2003. I lied. I definitely hate him more than both of the players above.

4. Terrell Owens - He's not really hated. The attention he gets is what people hate. This is the same reason people hate the Yankees and Red Sox. It started as apathy but quickly turned to hate when we couldn't get away. (see also Brothers, Jonas)

5. Kobe Bryant - Acquitted of raping a hotel worker. To ensure his level of public hate would reach unprecedented success, he bought his wife a FOUR MILLION DOLLAR RING. Moreover, he plays for the Lakers who garner extra hate for being successful for so long.

6. Allen Iverson - So he doesn't like to practice. Who does? It's hard to hate the one player who doesn't view representing the United States as a chore and actually considers it an honor.

7. Isiah Thomas - Once a very good player. Once a terrible general manager. Now the coach of Florida International. Hated? By Knicks fans. Laughed at by everybody else.

8. Stephon Marbury - I would venture to say 90% of non-NBA fans have never even heard of him. There's no way he should even be mentioned in the same list as people like A-Rod. Fail.

9. Nick Saban - So he coached very successfully at LSU, went to the NFL and coached the Dolphins (You should already know the result.), and returned to college coaching at LSU's rival, Alabama. That makes him hated? He pulled a Pitino (Kentucky, Boston Celtics, Louisville). Pitino did not pull a Saban.

10. John McEnroe - Who hated this guy? Everybody I know wishes he still played because he would make tennis exciting. Maybe there are a more chair umpires than I realized who hate him enough to get him in the top 10. Plus he stopped playing 25 years ago.

Here's how the top 10 should have looked:

1. Barry Bonds. Not even in the Forbes top 10. Really?

2. Alex Rodriguez.

3. Michael Vick

4. Tom Brady. For his success, looks, and taking Giselle off the market.

5. Rick Pitino. Left Kentucky (crazy fans), for the Celtics, then to Louisville (who UK hates). Plus his hair tried to eat me.

6. Charlie Weiss. Fat coach of Notre Dame who lamented never being given a fair chance at coaching in the NFL because of his weight. While riding a Rascal.

7. Kobe Bryant

8. George Steinbrenner. Pioneer of the $250,000,000 payroll and owner of a $1,000,000,000 ballpark with $1700 seats.

9. Adam "Pacman" Jones. Can't stop from committing crimes. People dream of playing in the NFL but never will. He does and keeps blowing it.

10. Roger Clemens. Paid $20,000,000+ to play HALF of a season with the Yankees. Plus he's the steroids whipping boy for pitchers.

So thank you, Robin, for sharing this terrible list with me. Hopefully, someday it'll re-emerge as number one on my list of terrible lists.

Help needed

Is there a female comedian (or comedienne, if you're a lesbian) that's legitimately funny? I'm not talking about an actress unless she started in standup. I've watched many episodes of Comedy Central Presents and even spent some time on YouTube to no avail. I'm not trying to be sexist. I honestly can't find a single funny one.

Tonight, I even attempted watching HBO's One Night Stand featuring Bonnie McFarlane thinking that Comedy Central's censors cut out all their funny content. (Though I don't believe a person needs to be crass to be funny. Mike Birbiglia is a prime example of that.)

Regardless, here's part of that special. You'll notice that she starts laughing after some of her jokes, which amazes me because I didn't laugh after any of them. I'm assuming she's laughing because everybody there paid to endure her. Either way, I don't particularly enjoy the fact that this is a 7 minute video in which she tells somewhere close to 1 million jokes. It could just be my sense of humor, but listening to the awkward laughs of the audience tells me I'm not alone. While you're watching keep in mind that everything is funnier in person.

So there's exhibit A, but there are plenty of other female comedians. For my money, the funniest female comedian is Sarah Silverman even though I don't really enjoy her show. Her standup is alright, but falls into some of the traps other women fall into. If comedians had a set list, most women would have one that looks like the following:

Complain about sex

Complain about men/boyfriend/husband

Complain about how hard it is to be a woman

Complain about men

Here's the thing. Complaining isn't funny. Moreover, I would challenge anybody in the audience to honestly say they don't want to trade lives with the performer. Regardless, Silverman (by virtue of Jimmy Kimmel) has produced one of the funniest YouTube moments of all time.

Thankfully, Jimmy has more resources and was able to respond in the only way that made sense.

But that's beside the point. The only reason I can come up with for why females continue to exist in the world of stand up comedy is the two drink minimum. Some people think it's because everybody's funnier when the audience has had a few drinks. They're wrong. It's so the club can avoid a lawsuit for sexism by only requiring two drinks when a woman is performing. Why only when a woman is performing? Because with two drinks any woman turns into Heidi Klum.

Now this isn't intended to be a post railing against female comedians. I'd really love to laugh at someone that I found attractive instead of Ricky Gervais. So please, please share any funny (or retarded, but super hot) female comedians or else this mild irritation will quickly turn into a full blown loathing that only compares to my contempt for the Yankees, Red Sox, and the Shamwow Guy.

There's a reason they're waiting for a promotion

By now, I've probably beaten Obamathrowslikeagirl (whose going off at 3-1 at the 2010 Kentucky Derby) to the point where it's only got about three good laughs left before it starts to feel as original as a Judd Apatow movie. So instead of commenting on the president's rag arm, I'll mock the mascot for the Binghamton Mets for his feminine home run celebration with an extremely demasculinizing conclusion. At least mascots are flat like Ken.

Unfortunately, such occurrences aren't very predictable, but that's not always the case. Some train wrecks are planned. For example, the AA affiliate of the Baltimore Orioles hosted pillow fight night on July 24. The Bowie Baysox invited all fans who wanted to participate to bring pillows to the game, after which, they were invited down on the field to experience the world's largest pillow fight. The field was separated into several sections: families with young children, families with teenagers, adults only, and hardcore (pillowcases stuffed with quarters and bars of soap). The stands were reserved for creeps and teenage boys.

Speaking of women and their cars

To my knowledge, the only reason for visiting Memphis since Elvis died was to visit his grave. Now, I might visit to have my car stolen. Recently, a woman wearing only a bikini walked up to a car and demanded that driver get out and give her the car. Normally, a story like this plants a funny scenario into my head about how this happened as soon as I read the headline. Like an idiot, reading the story leads to a much less climatic situation. This headline inspired two scenarios that I wanted to happen equally.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Who would give up their car to a female hijacker? Especially one who was only wearing a bikini? It was probably Lois Einhorn." My two answers: a woman and a man.

Situation 1 - The woman -

A woman driving her Prius home from the organic grocery store. (Sidenote: an organic grocery store isn't nearly as exciting as the name sounds.) The bikini clad woman walks up to the driver's window and taps on it. The woman proceeds to crack the window so slightly that her credit card wouldn't fit through and asked what the bikini woman wanted. When the response was to get out of her car, I have to imagine the only thought she could have had was, "Of all the days to let my metro boyfriend drive the SUV... I could floor it, but I think she would outrun me. What else can I do? Maybe, if I ask nicely, she'll let me get my eerily brown eggs. She is a woman after all. She'll be able to relate to me. Yeah, I'll do that."

Situation 2 - The man -

A guy driving home from the strip club is stopped at a red light, and a bikini clad woman walks up. He rolls down the window, and leans out to see if she "needs a ride." She tells him she has a gun and to get out of the car. Being slightly buzzed, he laughs in her face and asks where she's keeping it. However, his state of inebriation prevents him from just driving off, so he gets out to show her the most logical place - her ears - at which point, she gets in and drives off.

Unfortunately, neither story is true. In reality, she stole the car from a woman who only requested that she be allowed to take her kids. I can't make fun of her for that, but I will make fun of the robber for not quitting while she was ahead. Apparently, sober store owners aren't as susceptible to half naked fives as half drunk ones, which resulted in them restraining her until the police arrived. Lame.

I'm pretty sure it was Elvis.

Five cars the ladies will love...to drive

Ever since I got my new car a couple months ago, I've become much more judgmental of what other people are driving. Let me be clear and say that I won't judge based on how much a person's car costs or how old it is, but there are certain cars that certain people simply shouldn't be driving no matter what. I'm proposing a game whereby you get one point for each time you find a man driving one of these vehicles.

Toyota Prius - This is probably the most common car you'll see men driving on this list. Consider it a gift to counteract soccer-like scores. However, that doesn't excuse any guy from driving it. Neither does the increased fuel efficiency. Perhaps drivers can use the money you'll save on gas and use it to invest in horse power. Or a set of testicles. The Prius houses a roaring 98 HP, which means it would probably be quicker to just push the car. In fact, it's the first car to be made that weak in a long time. Bonus point if powder blue. The Prius comes in six different colors...not green though. For the most popular "green" car in the country, they're really dropped the ball on the marketing scheme for this one. I guess idiots run foreign car companies, too.

Mazda 3 - (Also acceptable: Mazda Miata) If it wasn't making things too easy, I would include all Mazdas this category. And in all honesty, seeing a guy driving this car is the direct inspiration for this post. Oh, and it was purple. I'm not sure how any self respecting male can drive a car from a company that thinks "Zoom Zoom Zoom" is clever advertising. Sure, they're marketed as being a fun to drive rival to the Accord or Camry, but so is the Volkswagon Jetta. There's only one VW that you'll lose man points for. Bonus point if purple.

VW Beetle - This is too obvious to make fun of. Bonus point if painted like Herbie. (P.S. Doesn't that car remind you of a time when Lindsay Lohan was really hot?)

Chevy Cavalier - One of my best friends drove this in high school (and still does almost 10 years later). His was/is cherry red giving it what he called a "sporty" look. Any car that needs to be described as sporty is not sporty. Coincidentally, it's also not manly. The entirely ironic part is that guys who drive souped up Cavaliers tend to think they're driving an awesome car. It's still a Cavalier. Bonus point if it's a convertable. (On a side note, how did this get through the conceptual phase at Chevy? My theory is similar to how a minor league baseball team hosted pregnancy night. A fat woman - the only people I've ever seen driving the convertable version - commented that she wanted to put her top down. Instead of taking the risk that she meant her shirt, the engineers came up with the prototype for the Cavalier convertible. And people wonder why nobody buys American cars anymore.)

Ford Ranger - "Well, I really want a truck, but who wants all the power that comes in the F-150 or Dodge Ram?" Not surprisingly, trucks like this provide the most common setting for trucknutz, the most horrific thing to happen to auto accessories since the in-car phonograph. (You thought I was kidding.) I'm not sure what the intent of putting truck nuts on your hitch is, either. Is it your way of saying that you like dudes? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Or are you trying to say that your truck has balls? Because if it's the Ranger, it doesn't. If you want a truck with balls, you should have bought the F-150 or Ram. Period. Bonus point if it's pink.

All of that said, if your salesperson looks anything like the girl in the picture, I'll go easy on you because I'd have bought a Cavalier from her, too. And hated myself afterward.

Internet video fun

Without question, the best thing about the internet is the its ability to spread information at a rate never before seen. Nothing provides better evidence of this than the ongoing protests in Iran which has been documented on sites like YouTube and Twitter.

I heard about this video of people rescuing two people, including a four-year-old, from a burning car on the news this morning and intended to write a post completely ripping on the camera operator for simply filming the rescue and not helping out. However, when I watched it I realized that there were plenty of people already helping, and because of his role, everybody in the world can see that there are still people willing to put themselves in harm's way to help other people.

In a semi-related story, the president was kind enough to further my argument that he's secretly a woman by admitting that the jeans he wore for the All-Star Game were "frumpy." Frumpy? He made further excuses by declaring that the jeans were comfortable, and he hates to shop. Clearly, this is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to protect his image with men, and it's true that I would prefer comfortable to stylish. That's fair. He's a guy. But none of this would have mattered if he could throw like one.

More internet video news. Apparently, a video of a naked Erin Andrews surfaced over the weekend. It was taken while she was in her hotel room and clearly wasn't taken with her knowledge. Through her lawyers, she has promised both civil and criminal suits though the origin of the video is unknown. I don't have it and won't be posting it here because of the words "civil and criminal" mentioned in the previous sentence. The thing that's the most concerning is the media coverage this has gotten.

Somehow, despite a portfolio consisting entirely of non-risque pictures and videos, Erin Andrews is one of the most popular women on the internet, so the attention makes sense. However, outlets like Fox News and The Today Show (that I know of) have shown outrage toward the videographer and sympathy for Andrews by playing clips of the video all day. I understand, the video brings in ratings, and ratings bring in sponsors, and sponsors bring in money, but there's a direct hypocrisy being shown. "It's every woman's worst nightmare. A video of Erin Andrews walking around her hotel room naked. Take a look. Making this video was a deplorable act, and our thoughts go out to Miss Andrews. Now watch with us in disgust as she bends over to pick up her hair brush."

Also, I can't decide whether I want to watch the video or find myself entirely sick to my stomach. Part of me wants to satisfy my curiosity to finally find out what she looks like naked, but I'm not sure that's the best situation. Some part of her appeal is the fact that she doesn't provoke attention by taking her clothes off, and seeing her without them would definitely take away that innocence. Moreover, I'm not sure I'd be able to enjoy watching her on the sideline after having seen this video. As a result, it seems watching the video seems as though it would provide a short term positive that would be far outweighed by my lack of excitement the next time she's walking past my section during football season.

And finally, on a much less serious note, I stopped watching ESPN some time ago because I despise nearly every team from Boston, New York, and Chicago. However, due to team ownership obligations and the fact that I don't have to read about certain aforementioned teams there, I can't stop visiting their website. Since I assume most people are in a similar situation, I want to share a Sunday Conversation that recently aired on the network and was recently archived online. Normally, Sunday Conversation is a segment with an emotional interview of Brett Favre speaking about his most recent retirement or Alex Rodriguez about his steroids/gayness/choking (unrelated)/self-loving. Not this week. Check out the video below which features Ben Schwartz interviewing Olympic gymnast, Nastia Liukin.

Throwbama in St. Louis

Every time I watch the video of the president throwing out the first
pitch at the All-Star game two things strike me. First, our esteemed
leader wears mom jeans. Second, and more importantly, he throws like a
girl. Say what you will about George Bush, but the man knew how to
throw a baseball. It probably helps that he once owned a
semi-professional baseball team, but that doesn't excuse Obama for what
he did. As you'll notice during the two minute video, the president did
exactly one thing like a man, and that's his decision to throw from the
mound and not from the grass in front of it. Of course, had he chosen
to throw from the grass, his pitch might have reached the plate.

During his visit to the press box where he talked with the worst
broadcasters in sports not named Musberger, he was asked about the
difference between throwing out the first pitch at the All-Star game
versus a regular game, which he performed as a senator. He mentioned
that as a senator, they just gave him the ball and sent him to the
mound, but as president, he was able to secure some time with Albert
Pujohls (the player who caught the "pitch") in the bullpen to warm up.
That's the most relieving part of the story because if he hadn't been
given the chance to throw ahead of time, his pitch might not have
reached the grass.

So I decided to rewatch the video and figure out exactly what went
wrong, you know, for the good of the president's image and whatnot. My
first thought was maybe he tripped over his jeans, or perhaps they were
too tight. That's when I realized that despite the jeans being loose
enough to suit Manny Ramirez's taste, they still didn't manage to cover
up his ankles. You'd think the first lady and her Jackie O sense of
style that the media can't stop talking about would be able to find a
decent pair of jeans for her husband. You'd be wrong. Discarding that
solution, I watched the video again and realized that when the pitch was
thrown, the camera conveniently forgot to follow the path of the ball,
presumably in case the throw was bad. Unfortunately for all involved,
other cameras were able to see the result of the poor throw, and it was
replayed LeBron's publicist was able to destroy the tapes. I guess it's
better to be the king than president.

Anyway, sparing many technical details, you'll see that Obama's wind up is decent, but once he began the throwing motion, instead of doing the natural (and masculine) motion of moving his arm in a circle, he went against his momentum and pulled his arm back like he was throwing a dart. And the result was less than ideal. But hey, as Adam Carolla showed, it could have been a lot worse...three times.



Need more? Try Cincinnati mayor Mark Mallory.

Does anybody know the French word for baseball?

It's true that I'm writing this entry for no reason other than to stay awake for the duration of the baseball All-Star game, but that shouldn't make it less worthless than any of the other posts. How come the All-Star game doesn't utilize the designated hitter no matter where the game is played? I realize the National League doesn't play with the DH and the game is in a national league ballpark, but contrary to what Bud Selig would like you to think, this one doesn't count. Both teams have 33 players on their roster, 8 more than a team is allowed to carry for the duration of a 162 game season, so why not use one of those players as a DH so we don't have to endure moments the boredom that accompanies watching Roy Halladay attempt to make good contact with a Tim Lincecum fastball? Moving past that for a moment, did the National League seriously just intentionally walk Victor Martinez? It's an exhibition game. Use your superstar pitcher and just get him out. He's probably the weakest hitter in the entire lineup. I get the strategy and that the double play was in order, but again, nobody wants to see that. At least Adam Jones was able to drive in the run from third anyway.

In entirely unrelated news, except that somebody has to be the loser, today was Bastille Day in France. Bastille Day celebrates the liberation of the Bastille on July 14th, 1789, which more or less began the process of bringing democracy to France. (On behalf of my American brethren, "You're welcome, freres.") So in honor of France, I've decided to pay them homage by throwing out some props for all the contributions they've made to the world.

1. French toast, or as limey friends call it, eggy-bread. Actually, it seems that this wasn't necessarily created by the French as it dates back to medieval times and is more likely a British concoction. Interesting. At least we can credit them for French Fries.

2. French Fries. Sure we may call them Freedom Fries now, but that doesn't reduce their deliciousness one bit. This is a little embarrassing, but it seems that in France, French fries are known as being Belgian.

3. Napoleon. There's nothing better on a hot summer day than a nice bowl of ice cream, but sometimes it's impossible to choose the flavor. Chocolate? Vanilla? Strawberry? Um, yes please! I'm still not sure why they named the ice cream after a French military commander, but I'm willing to accept it.

4. The Statue of Liberty. It was donated as a gift from France to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. But in accordance with French customs, it was dedicated 10 years late, in 1886. I guess they were thankful for freedom, but not that happy. It would also be nice if they would send some maids over to clean it once in a while. That green color is hiding the copper.

5. Many ways to not win a military conflict. Thomas Edison once said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work," while attempting to find the proper metal to be used a filament in the light bulb. As Americans, I think it's important that we realize the contribution the French have provided in this area. Instead of trying and finding things that don't work, we can just ask ourselves, "What would France do?" and just do the opposite. Plus we have this Google result for the search "French military victories."

6. The Tour de France. Without it, Lance Armstrong would be just another guy with one ball. Sheryl Crow would have been irrelevant 6 years sooner. And we wouldn't be able to quickly identify toolbags like this.

Thank you France. You clearly make all of our lives better.

If it's her turn to choose: Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Somehow, Forgetting Sarah Marshall gets a pass from the male population as a general comedy, so I had no problem watching it. About 20 minutes in, I realized that I'd been duped. In order to get the word out and protect males from watching it in the future, I've decided to feature it in this installment of "If it's her turn to choose."

Movie Title - Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Year Released - 2008

Times to avoid being home

Trailer

Funniness - Russell Brand, who I otherwise find obnoxious and annoying, put on the funniest performance of the entire movie as the new boyfriend of Kristen Bell's character, Sarah Marshall. There are other random funny moments throughout, but really, look for the comedy to pick up when Brand graces the screen. Plus everything is funny when said with a British accent. Rating: 7/10.

Predictability - There were only two possible situations for the conclusion of this movie. About halfway through, the correct one is painfully obvious. At that point, it's just a matter of wading through the rest of it. As a result, I've given it a 4.

Female Leads - Kristen Bell plays the title character with a much underrated Mila Kunis supporting her. Thankfully, Mila was reprising her annoying role of Jackie from That '70s Show. Better yet, Bell ranked 9th in the Askmen.com's countdown of the Top 99 Women for 2009. Kunis did even better in the Maxim Hot 100, pulling in a 5th place finish. Who am I to disagree with such esteemed judges? 9/10

Scantiness - One of the benefits of filming in Hawaii (or at least setting the film there) is plenty of bikinis. I present exhibit A. Need more evidence? How about this? That still doesn't prove they'll show some skin during the move, so my word will have to suffice. Perhaps a 9/10 will be convincing enough. It would be a 10, but neither showed anything during their nude scene...

Lucky Factor - As I've written in the past, a happy ending can often lead to one of your own. It seems to be a favorite of many of my lady friends on Facebook, so I can only imagine that it leaves them feeling a certain way. My guess is it involves not being alone. A 7 seems about right here.

Miscellaneous - Peter Segal does an adequate job of playing the male lead in the movie. Unfortunately, his johnson plays a recurring role, as well. He has some funny moments (most notably his performance in a rock opera), but the inclusion of so much weiner earns a (-8)/10 in the miscellaneous category.

Boobies!! - Sort of. There's a wall of pictures in the bathroom of a diner featuring many ladies and their most precious assets. Both of them. Did I mention Mila's are not-so-proudly displayed? Either way, they're out there. Bonus point, ahoy!

Final Recommendation - Somehow, Judd Apatow gets away with producing chick flick after chick flick, and guys continue to love them. Perhaps they're good movies when viewed as an alternative to, say, You've Got Mail, but when squared up with comedies as a whole, this definitely falls toward the chick flick end of the spectrum. Despite that and the inclusion of Segal's peter, the movie scored a quite respectable 7.2/10 according to my proprietary formula, within the range described as good for a date but not good enough to watch alone or with your guy friends.

Lawmakers are reta...um...special

Apparently, Ohio's esteemed governor, Ted Strickland, has signed a law that will remove the "r-word" from the the acronym MRDD. Of
course, MRDD stands for mental retardation and developmental disabilities, and the word retardation is too insulting to include. To my knowledge, Ohio is the first state to enact such legislation, and I for one couldn't be happier to call myself an Ohioan. To my knowledge, I'm the first person ever to state that publicly.

So why does this make me happy? Because it clearly means there are no other problems for the government to be working on. Apparently, the recession is over, everybody has a job, and crime no longer takes place. And Cleveland hasn't set the Cuyahoga River on fire for 40 years! The fact is that the state has no money and has required two consecutive week-long temporary budgets with the governor threatening that there will not be a third. It could be worse though. At least Ohio didn't have to pony up $1,400,000 to provide security for any recent memorial services. Though apparently, attendees are donating generously to the cause. (My favorite part of that last link was the button that said, "Have a better idea? Let us know about it.")

Actually, it makes me happy because I can now use the word retard with reckless abandon. Though the writing's been on the wall for the word for years, I'm not quite sure the retards in Columbus thought this one through. Perhaps they can think about it on the short bus during their ride home.

Once the movement to stop calling retards retarded began, the word "special" was chosen to replace it. Immediately, special was picked up be school kids everywhere as the insult du jour. (That means insult of the day, retard.) To this day, I can't have somebody call me special without immediately asking if they mean short-bus special. The word retard was chosen to define people with developmental disabilities, and it was subsequently used as an insult. Now the phrase "developmentally disabled" is going to replace retard in all state business. How long before being called DD is considered an insult? (Isn't calling somebody a designated driver already somewhat insulting?) Wait until the 10-year-olds catch on. "You're so DD." "No I'm not. You are, retard!"

Next, people in wheelchairs won't be called handicapped so their feelings aren't hurt. And smart people won't be called nerds. (Actually, that one won't happen because the retards making our laws were never insulted with such a term.) Here's my point. We've created words to define people and groups of people, both good and bad. And there is NOTHING wrong with that because everybody is different. That's what special used to mean.

I guess this is what happens when retards are the only people willing to run for office.

(Disclaimer: I've volunteered for the Special Olympics. I'm allowed to say this.)

If it's her turn to choose: Definitely, Maybe

"If it's her turn to choose" is a series I've started to help guys navigate the sea of movies your lady might choose when it's her turn to pick. In a nut shell, I'm reviewing a chick flick below to let my male audience know if it's worth fighting about or if you should just let her win this one. You can read about the ratings system in this post. With no further adieu, let's begin.
Movie Title - Definitely, Maybe

Year Released - 2008

Times to avoid being home

Trailer

Funniness - The movie isn't a slapstick comedy by any means. Most of the humor is dry, but it definitely (maybe) exists throughout the movie. I give it an 8/10.

Predictability - I really had little idea how the movie would end. I had a suspicion that turned out to be right, but it wasn't a lock until there were about 10 minutes left. I can live with that, but because there was never really an ephiphany moment, it doesn't get a perfect score here. Again, it get's an 8/10.

Female Leads - The movie features three female leads: Isla Fisher (No. 31 according to askmen.com's Top 99 for 2009), Elizabeth Banks (No. 95), and Rachel Weisz (No. 85 in 2008). Obviously, which such talent, I can't give this anything less than a 10.

Scantiness - Unfortunately, the ladies don't have a propensity toward tank tops or even wear shorts. Throughout the movie, Isla Fisher shows a propensity toward miniskirts, so it's not without hope. As such, scantiness only gets 3/10.

Perceived Length - The movie runs about 1:50, which is about right for a movie like this. It really seems to go faster than that, but there are definitely scenes that drag long enough that you'll check the clock a few times a minute to see how long it's been. That said, those moments are scarce, so I'll this a 7.

Lucky Factor - Obviously, this is subject to the woman involved, but I think Definitely, Maybe leaves you with a good chance of getting a yes later on. In my experience, when the characters end happy, so does my lady. I'm sure
there are some that still won't feel like it, so I can't give it a 10 since nothing is guaranteed. (It's something due to biology. I'm told I wouldn't understand.) As a result, I think an 8 is appropriate here.

Miscellaneous - Ryan Reynolds plays the male lead and does a pretty good job at it. I've found that he pretty much exclusively does chick flicks, but he seems to do alright and delivers some decent comedy. Plus if he's not entertaining you in this film, you can always imagine his performance in Van Wilder and how hot Tara Reid used to be. I'll say 6 here.

Boobies!! - No. Unfortunately. You're welcome.

Final Recommendation - The aggregate score for Definitely, Maybe ends up being 7.4 out of 10. As far as chick flicks go, it's one of the better ones I've endured, which I suppose is consistent with the score. I wouldn't go so far as to recommend this for solo viewing (unless your cable box only gets two channels and the other one is showing 300), but there are much more worthwhile issues to fight about. I'd say to suck it up and enjoy as best you can.

If it's her turn to choose

I've decided to start doing semi-regular posts to help my male readers out. Unfortunately, relationships require countless numbers of chick flicks to keep that lady happy. I realize that the smart guys don't watch the movies for enjoyment but rather in the hopes that they'll get repaid for their loyalties once it's over. My intent here is to help you guys know which movies are worth suffering through and promise the highest likelihood of a return on investment. I'll do that by rating the movies on several categories which I've outlined below. Each category will score up to 10 points.

Funniness - Obviously, this is a measure of how funny the movie is. It accounts for 10% of the total score. I realize some chick flicks don't even attempt to be funny, but I'm not about to rate a movie by how moving it is or how many tears your chick sheds. (Just make sure to keep her hydrated to avoid cramping later on.) Obviously, this favors romantic comedies over tragedies, but so be it. No amount of post-movie fun is worth enduring this.

Predictability - The less predictable, the higher the rating is in this category. Since chick flicks aren't meant to be edge of your seat thrillers, this only gets 5%. Still, it's tough to endure everything else when it's painfully obvious how the movie will end.

Female Lead(s) - I've assigned 25% of the total score to the quality of woman chosen to be the female lead/leads. This is the highest total assigned to any single category because hot women are much more important to the overall quality of a chick flick than any amount of bad acting. This will also take into account how often the actress shows up in the movie.

Scantiness - This category judges the exposure the female lead takes on during the movie. The less clothing, the higher the rating. Basically, I'm taking scantiness to be synonymous with sex appeal. However, this heading doesn't require nudity or even bikinis from the actress as Megan Fox demonstrated so eloquently in Transformers. It's important to note that this category applies only to the female lead and is worth 15% of the total score.

Perceived Length - This is a measure of how strong the urge to sit on a fork becomes during the movie. Originally, I intended to measure the length of the movie, but I realized Gladiator is 2 1/2 hours long, and I could watch it back to back, so the actual length isn't as important as the perceived length. This is worth 15% of the final rating. If the movie feels like it lasted long enough to build a house, it gets a low score.

Lucky Factor - This rates the possibility of receiving benefits befitting of you enduring this movie. For example, movies featuring Matthew McConaughey (WARNING TO MEN: Do NOT click the hyperlink. It's only done in a shameless attempt to suck in a female audience. I don't imagine they'll stay long once they read the rest of the misogyny, but it's worth the effort. You just clicked it anyway, didn't you? You're welcome for at least finding a picture with a bikini involved.) will score highly. As will movies with happy endings and Since this is the overall goal of the night, this category holds 20% of the score. I thought about making this the only criterion, but I realized that there's always a risk involved with watching the movie, and should the night end with snoring instead of your lady mistakenly crying out "Matthew!" I felt it necessary to make sure you at least marginally enjoyed the movie.

Miscellaneous - This is everything else. It varies by movie and may garner no points at all, in which case, the overall score won't be hurt. It carries a 10% weight if used, and none if not.

Boobies!! - A bonus point will be awarded to the final score if boobies are in the movie. This doesn't require being from the lead, but does require them to be nice. For example, Schindler's List would not get a point here. I think we're all in agreement that this is the right thing to do.

Final Recommendation - Are you seriously still reading? I think you can figure out what would go under this heading. I'll present the aggregate score for the movie out of 10 possible points. Obviously a higher number doesn't necessarily make it a great movie, but it probably means it's not worth the fight. Conversely, a low score indicates that you'd be better served giving yourself food poisoning and spending the night with your head in the toilet. Seriously, if one of those movies shows up on your DVR, it's time to fake a malfunction even if it means losing all of your Band of Brothers recordings.

Hopefully, this is clear and my recommendations will help you out when it's her turn to choose , and you can't compromise because last time, you picked Die Hard.

The biggest reason I don't mind being a grownup

I know I'm a little late to the party here, but one of the Jonas Brothers is engaged. I know. I know. You don't care. You would if Michael Jackson hadn't died in the same week, but a person can only feign interest in one celebrity-centered over-covered news story at a time. Here's how I see it, and therefore, how you should see it.

Nick is apparently 21 which means he's definitely old enough to be totally sure of his future. Except that his future probably includes less screaming 13-year-olds with more hotel lounges and cheap cruises. I guess since the whole idea of marriage works so well for celebrities that I really don't have room to question them. Just ask Megan Fox's ex.

However, you can't fault him for wanted to lock her up early. The way I see it, the "band" have about 6 months left before their novelty wears off and they join the ranks of boy bands before them. And Creed. At that point, the glasses he's wearing in the picture would just look ridiculous. (Note that I would normally put a picture like this up to mock the person I'm writing about in a situation like this. However, EVERY single picture of Nick Jonas shows him wearing equally retarded sunglasses. Seriously, how lucky is his fiance?)

So how long before we can stop pretending the Jonas Brothers are talented musicians? Probably as soon as the other two brothers get engaged. My suspicion is that's the point when all the 45-year-old women will stop swooning and consequently stop buying their stupid daughters these crappy CDs and concert tickets. Don't worry about how long it might take, I hear the youngest one already has a boyfriend, which leads to my 6 month prediction.

While we await their inevitable (and hopefully disgraceful) fall from fame, here's a song (and album) worth listening to over and over again. And if you decide you don't like it, watch this, then listen to it again. You'll change your tune.

The first amendment

Since it's the Fifth of July and fireworks (or maybe gunshots) are exploding outside of my apartment again tonight, I wanted to make one more post before the end of the holiday weekend about the beauty of America. Tonight, I want to focus on two things that I, as an American, hold most dear: baseball and the freedom of speech. Nothing brings those together quite like managers who feel slighted, so I've decided to scour Youtube for such clips and bring the best of those to you below.

Blowup 1: The manager of the Rome Braves disagrees with an umpire's assertion that the flyball one of his players hit was a foul ball. The first minute his simply yelling and nothing special, but it gets interesting (read as: original) at the 1:10 mark.

Blowup 2: Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox holds the all-time record for being thrown out of the game. For years, the Braves have had an excellent farm system that produces quality major league players and seems to be training the managers in the same light. This clip features Phil Wellman, and more importantly features incredible comedic action the entire clip.

Blowup 3: I have no idea who this is or what happened. The manager didn't really go nuts, but I love this video for two reasons. First of all, it must be noted that this umpire had to work the field since it's tough for an oompa loompa to see over the catcher. More notably, I think you have to appreciate the effort that the umpire put into running the coach. You just don't see form like that from Major League Umpires.



Blowup 4: This is the most defensive reaction I've ever seen an umpire have.



Blowup 5: Just to prove that getting tossed isn't exclusive to the minors, I bring you a clip of former Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver. The best part of this clip is that the conversation is clearly audible and genuinely funny. Be warned though, arguments with Weaver tend to be rather non-PC and contains extensive strong language.

Bacon on the Fourth of July

Traditionally, I celebrate Independence Day weekend by watching Americans dominate England, this time, across the pond. Yesterday, I revelled in Andy Roddick eliminating the final Englishman from the Wimbledon Semifinals. This morning I'm watching Williams sisters in their All-American final and am a little confused. I thought the women's final was this morning. I'm not sure what kind of father would name their sons Venus and Serena, but I have a suspect in mind.

As thrilling as women's tennis is when neither participant is particularly attractive, I still seem to find my mind wandering. Perhaps the Fourth of July inpires a sense of nostalgia for me, but I find myself thinking about the greatest contribution the United States has given the world. I'm not discussing democracy or baseball or even electricity but something far more enjoyable: bacon. More properly, the ability to combine bacon with just about every other food on earth and make it taste good.

Truthfully, my inspiration for this comes from the meals I enjoyed
yesterday, a fire-pit bacon burger at Applebees and homemade pizza with toppings of bacon and pepperoni. Fifteen years ago, the only time I ever remember eating bacon was for brunch on Sunday mornings served on the side of fried eggs. Shortly after that, bacon started showing up in salads and on variations of the Egg McMuffin. However, it seems that only recently have we discovered the joys of topping something as inherently delicious as a cheeseburger or a pizza with such indulgence.

However, the bacon mania doesn't end there. Here's a short list of foods that go better with bacon: everything. Perhaps most notably, I've discovered a way to Americanize bacon even further. And once you're done with the deep fryer, you can enjoy bacon with your dessert, which are now starting to feature the popular smoked meat. It's a topping on donuts and even served drizzled in chocolate sauce. As if that's not enough, once you return from your hot date, there could be a pleasant surprise waiting for you at second base.

Of course, there are critics out there who will take a break from chain smoking to warn you against gorging on bacon, even using H1N1, formerly referred to as swine flu, as a reason despite the fact that it wasn't contractible through ingestion of pork. (Speaking of pork, Serena Williams just won Wimbledon, which means the match took less time than it took me to write this post. More importantly, I've just been informed that I've been watching the women's final and not the men's as I previously thought. My apologies to the Williams sisters.) There are those out there who claim that bacon will lead to a decrease in health and lead to things like heart disease. Very clearly, those people are communists who hate enjoying life almost as much as they hate America. So on this July 4th, take some time to honor America, and put some bacon on it.

Strawberries and cream...and rum?

The only tennis tournament I'll make it a point to watch...sometimes. I'm not sure what causes me to take an interest in watching a sport with almost no contact. Perhaps I enjoy the tradition that the tournament hosts. It could that I look for every excuse to eat strawberries and cream with champagne for breakfast. (British tennis fans will consume about 17,000 bottles of champagne during the annual fortnight. By definition, champagne is produced only the Champagne region of France. In case you're unaware, the English don't exactly like the French. Just ask this girl. It would seem that Britain would consider using a different drink to avoid giving so much money to their arch nemesis each year. Alas, I digress.) However, the most likely reason for my interest is simple. Wimbledon's schedulers are geniuses as they know to put beauty ahead of talent.

I would imagine the idea for doing this came at about the time Anna Kournikova became the most popular tennis player in the world despite never winning a single tournament in her illustrious career. It's fairly easy to see why women's tennis would appeal to the male demographic in recent years, but how do they choose which men to schedule at Centre Court? (No, I didn't misspell "center." Blame the silly Brits for not knowing how to spell words in the language named for their own country.)

For years, it was simple. Pete Sampras was the most dominant tennis player in Wimbledon history. Though his chest-fro never did much for me, I had no objections to his wife, Ms. Veronica Vaughn. Problem solved.

Now what does any of this have to do with rum? I'm glad you asked. Bacardi decided to market their Breezers, which I can only assume tastes like watered down cough syrup, with an ad campaign essentially telling women that all they have to do to be attractive is surround themselves with ugly friends. Of course, this got the feminist blogosphere up in arms, and the campaign has since been pulled. Presumably, they were upset at the fact that their pictures were used in the campaign. Either that or women think we still haven't figured that out.

It would seem that Bacardi made a serious error in judgment while choosing their marketing slogan, but I'm not sure that's the case. For one thing, there's no such thing as bad publicity. However, it's bigger than that. Bacardi clearly understood the role that sex plays in tennis, so they decided to play it up themselves to chip away at the stranglehold champagne has on the tournament.