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According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.

In related news:

Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!

Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.

A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.

Five cars the ladies will love...to drive

Ever since I got my new car a couple months ago, I've become much more judgmental of what other people are driving. Let me be clear and say that I won't judge based on how much a person's car costs or how old it is, but there are certain cars that certain people simply shouldn't be driving no matter what. I'm proposing a game whereby you get one point for each time you find a man driving one of these vehicles.

Toyota Prius - This is probably the most common car you'll see men driving on this list. Consider it a gift to counteract soccer-like scores. However, that doesn't excuse any guy from driving it. Neither does the increased fuel efficiency. Perhaps drivers can use the money you'll save on gas and use it to invest in horse power. Or a set of testicles. The Prius houses a roaring 98 HP, which means it would probably be quicker to just push the car. In fact, it's the first car to be made that weak in a long time. Bonus point if powder blue. The Prius comes in six different colors...not green though. For the most popular "green" car in the country, they're really dropped the ball on the marketing scheme for this one. I guess idiots run foreign car companies, too.

Mazda 3 - (Also acceptable: Mazda Miata) If it wasn't making things too easy, I would include all Mazdas this category. And in all honesty, seeing a guy driving this car is the direct inspiration for this post. Oh, and it was purple. I'm not sure how any self respecting male can drive a car from a company that thinks "Zoom Zoom Zoom" is clever advertising. Sure, they're marketed as being a fun to drive rival to the Accord or Camry, but so is the Volkswagon Jetta. There's only one VW that you'll lose man points for. Bonus point if purple.

VW Beetle - This is too obvious to make fun of. Bonus point if painted like Herbie. (P.S. Doesn't that car remind you of a time when Lindsay Lohan was really hot?)

Chevy Cavalier - One of my best friends drove this in high school (and still does almost 10 years later). His was/is cherry red giving it what he called a "sporty" look. Any car that needs to be described as sporty is not sporty. Coincidentally, it's also not manly. The entirely ironic part is that guys who drive souped up Cavaliers tend to think they're driving an awesome car. It's still a Cavalier. Bonus point if it's a convertable. (On a side note, how did this get through the conceptual phase at Chevy? My theory is similar to how a minor league baseball team hosted pregnancy night. A fat woman - the only people I've ever seen driving the convertable version - commented that she wanted to put her top down. Instead of taking the risk that she meant her shirt, the engineers came up with the prototype for the Cavalier convertible. And people wonder why nobody buys American cars anymore.)

Ford Ranger - "Well, I really want a truck, but who wants all the power that comes in the F-150 or Dodge Ram?" Not surprisingly, trucks like this provide the most common setting for trucknutz, the most horrific thing to happen to auto accessories since the in-car phonograph. (You thought I was kidding.) I'm not sure what the intent of putting truck nuts on your hitch is, either. Is it your way of saying that you like dudes? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Or are you trying to say that your truck has balls? Because if it's the Ranger, it doesn't. If you want a truck with balls, you should have bought the F-150 or Ram. Period. Bonus point if it's pink.

All of that said, if your salesperson looks anything like the girl in the picture, I'll go easy on you because I'd have bought a Cavalier from her, too. And hated myself afterward.