According to CBS, who apparently cares, the gift to give your wife this Hannukah isn't a dreidel, a new menorah, or even this dog. No, the gift dujour is a pap smear (which, to Jews, is apparently pronounced as pap schmear).
Not Jewish? Don't worry, it works for Christmas, too. Though compared to a new vacuum cleaner, the doctor visit isn't quite as attractive.
So, to summarize, dreidel isn't as good as a pap smear which is almost as good as a vacuum cleaner. (If you decide to go with any of these, I'd suggest the Roomba. She'll leave you either way, but with a Roomba, at least you'll have a robot that does exactly what you've desired of her, crawl around on the floor and suck.)
That works great for men, but like CBS, I want to make sure I don't discriminate. What if you're a straight woman? Getting yourself a pap smear (What's the record for saying pap smear in a single blog entry?) would just come across as selfish. Remember, this is the season for giving. So what can you give?
Jewish? It still works.
Just to make sure you're reading this right, the most important thing you can do for your man this winter is to have someone stick their fingers up his butt. And don't think you won't get something out of his visit to the assman for yourself. It comes with free heterosexual confirmation to make sure you don't have ANOTHER boyfriend/husband turn gay. If he enjoys his appointment, it might be time to move on.
Yesterday, I made the decision to use this forum for the common good by sharing the results of a study finding that texting while driving is more dangerous than simply driving while driving. My hope is that sharing those shocking findings stopped at least one of the four people who read this from putting themselves in danger. Today, I hope to use the same corner of the internet to prevent you from committing a web faux pas. It turns out, in a recent poll, the word "whatever" is the most hated word to come from the internet age.
A survey conducted from August 3-6, asked 938 adults which of the following words they found most annoying: whatever, you know, anyway, it is what it is, and at the end of the day. The polling was conducted by telephone and was followed up by asking what the most annoying thing about using the phone was. The overwhelming majority responded with "written in" retort: "this call." The rest responded, "Yo no hablo Inglés."
Beyond the absurdity of the question, I can't figure out what the point was. Clearly, this poll was conducted by adults with other adults as the targeted group. So by putting out a list of words adults find annoying, do they hope their 13-year-old daughter will stop using them? Seriously? I have to believe it was a bit more thought out than that. With such obvious options as "like,""lol" (or variations like lolz, rofl, or even roflol) and "j/k" being omitted, I think the hope is that by pretending they aren't annoyed by those words, they'll be replaced with "whatever."
Regardless, I happened to hear a recording of one of these calls (which had been recorded for quality assurance). Its transcrpit follows.
Pollster: Good evening, Mr. Johns. How are you this evening?
Mark Jones: Can I help you?
P: Yes. I'm conducting a poll for The Onion, and would like to ask you a few questions.
MJ: The Onion?
P: Yes, we're an online news source.
MJ: Just ask your question.
P: Alright. Our poll is inquiring about the word from the internet you find most annoying. Here are you choices, please pick the one you find more annoying than the rest. Ready?
MJ: Whatever...
P: "Whatever." Thank you very much for your time.
MJ: Wait. What? You didn't even list the...[click]...choices. Hello? (muttering) What a stupid question. My Hungry Man better not be cold. Whatever.
According to new research, texting while driving is a dangerous activity. Specifically, truck drivers were more than 20 times as likely to be involved in a collision than those that didn't. Did they give up their CB radios for cell phones? Car drivers were only six times more likely than non-texters.
In related news:
Candy will cause cavities and contribute to weight gain. Of course, fluoride will reduce the risk of cavities and help whiten teeth, but water containing anything other than two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen is inherently evil. Since when is being fat bad, anyway? Ever since I was a kid, I've been told that it's more important to have high self worth than conform to society. It's why my teachers never used red pen and why people are failing to make payments on houses they couldn't afford. Serenity now!
Prius drivers are smarter than any other car owner in the United States simply by virtue of owning a Prius. Ironically, they can't be straight, but at least they'll look intelligent. Throw on a cardigan and some square glasses for the super smart look. Don't forget the chihuahua. Allow me to explain something, I drive an Audi which routinely gets between 30 and 35 miles per gallon driving to and from work, a scant 25% less than the Holy Prius. The trade? I don't have to wait to make sure nobody sees me get out of my car. Bonus positive: I also don't need to make sure my balls haven't disappeared after driving.
A shift is occurring in the taste women have in men because of the advent of birth control, according to one study. This is just too obvious to comment on...unless you read to the last sentence. Remember the 1600s? Fat was attractive because they were affluent and could afford food. After the rise of unions, large muscular men were attractive because they were working and therefore had money. In 1984, a documentary came along that changed everything. (Remember, all jocks think about is sports. All nerds think about is sex.) Also, nerds are the ones who still have jobs and are making money today. Sensing a theme? The number one nerdy thing you can do? Write a blog. Number two? Get an engineering degree. I'd post my picture, but I don't want to start riots. Not yet.
I feel like going out on a limb today and want to guess that if you're reading this, you didn't watch the Primetime Emmy Awards last night. That's fair. Neither did I. And I watch about 8 hours of TV each day. Generally, I'm a sucker for award shows, but last night, I was much more excited for football and a new episode of Entourage. Of course, the awards show turned into hot news this morning, and the reviews of the show along with lists of winners were everywhere. So here's a list of things we missed, some unfortunate, others to be thankful about. I'll start with the terrible things and work toward the things I wish I'd have seen.
In memoriam. It's typically a terrible portion of any awards show. Last night was made extra miserable by the presence Sarah McLachlan singing "I Will Remember You." I actually feel bad for the audience because she was there. This is normally the one segment of the show where you know you won't be videotaped during that portion. It's a chance to visit the bathroom, reapply your lipstick, have a quickie, or pick your nose. Nobody knows who the dead people are until the last 20 seconds anyway. Not only was the song lame and the live performance typically pompous, the fact that Sarah sounds more than a little cow-like. I'd credit this to her 2-minute-long SPCA commercials, but it's not really a new thing.
Next most annoying: choosing the wrong winners. For this, I have to admit that I watched the last half hour, but that's it. I swear. During that time, I saw 4 awards and disagreed with two of them. The winner for Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series went to The Daily Show beating out The Colbert Report, amongst others. Jon Stewart hasn't been funny in three years and hasn't been funnier than Colbert since Colbert was on The Daily Show. Allow me to explain The Daily Show in fifteen words. Play video of President Bush saying something out of context. Make funny face. Await laughter. End explanation. Don't believe me? Watch tonight and tell me I'm wrong. And then watch Colbert at 11:30 when he'll likely feature another installment of "Who's not Honoring Me Now."
Not quite as bad was 30 Rock winning Outstanding Comedy Series besting The Office, How I Met Your Mother, Family Guy, Flight of the Concords, Weeds, and Entourage. Based solely on the order I would watch those shows if they were all on my DVR, I would put 30 Rock in third place, at best. The Office had one of its best seasons yet, and How I Met Your Mother transformed from a replacement for Monday Night Football into TV I would schedule my night around.
I'm neutral on the musical number Neil Patrick Harris opened the show with. You can watch the video below. I tend to not enjoy elaborate musical numbers, but there were some funny lyrics in this one.
Ricky Gervais should host this and every awards show. I posted a few videos of his previous Emmy appearances, or lack thereof, here. Last night provided more laughs as Ricky did his best "I'm not Barack Obama" impersonation by going off the teleprompter. I'm not sure why he hasn't taken off in the United States, but he remains one of the funniest people on earth. Certainly the funniest in England.
Finally, I'm now in love with the red carpet. Or should I say Blake Lively. Look at the picture above. It's almost enough to make me watch Gossip Girl. It's definitely enough to make me stop writing.
