The good and bad of Christmas specials

Few things are more pleasing to me than coming home from work flipping on the TV and watching the flickering colors until I fall asleep in my chair 6 hours later. I know, I know, sleep is for the weak. So is reading, hypocrite. Regardless, I've found an increasingly annoying number of Christmas specials to be replacing worthwhile television programming. So in my effort to do all of your thinking for you, allow me to advise you as to which ones are worth watching.

Before continuing, allow me to explain that I will not comment on Christmas movies, regardless of whether or not they were made for TV (A Diva's Christmas Carol). Here's a day-by-day schedule filled mostly with atrocities that details the crap we'll be subjected to over the next few weeks. My only regret is that I didn't realize they started back in March.

First and foremost, if you live in the United States, as I assume most of you do, count your lucky stars that the winners of your reality singing competitions look like this, and not like this. That's right, last night Carrie Underwood hosted a Christmas special on FOX. Don't worry if you missed it, she'll grace our TVs once again on December 22, and though it's not there yet, I'd assume it'll be on Hulu.com soon. In the mean time, our Limey counterparts will be graced by the lovely presence of Susan Boyle. I can't criticize her singing, but perhaps a radio special is more appropriate.

On a more traditional front, you all know about Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, neither of which will have me putting the remote down, but to each his own, I suppose. However, to prove that making horrible sequels isn't new, I submit Rudolph's Shiny New Year. It's a touching tale of Rudolph rescuing Baby New Year before midnight and thus allowing the New Year to commence, a story based on the little known second verse of the classic carol. As far as Frosty the Snowman goes, it's sequel, which included an aerosol spray that immediately melted snow leave a bit to be desired as well. Though not as bad as Rudolph's second installment, it's only worth your time if you can get out of work to view it. There is one Frosty sequel that's worth your time (because it's only two minutes long). That and Foxnews.com really doesn't want you to watch it. (Note to Fox: If you don't want people to watch it, the most effective way to keep people away is DEFINITELY to write a scathing post complete with links.)

In looking through the schedule, I notice a gratuitous lack of classic shows. Below are some of my favorite Christmas specials and episodes. Also, Fanpop has provided a list of 101 specials with links to where you can watch them.

Seinfeld

WKRP in Cincinnati (part 2)

ALF's Special Christmas

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

The Honeymooners (part 2) (part 3)

A Hannukah gift for her

According to CBS, who apparently cares, the gift to give your wife this Hannukah isn't a dreidel, a new menorah, or even this dog. No, the gift du jour is a pap smear (which, to Jews, is apparently pronounced as pap schmear).

Not Jewish? Don't worry, it works for Christmas, too. Though compared to a new vacuum cleaner, the doctor visit isn't quite as attractive.

So, to summarize, dreidel isn't as good as a pap smear which is almost as good as a vacuum cleaner. (If you decide to go with any of these, I'd suggest the Roomba. She'll leave you either way, but with a Roomba, at least you'll have a robot that does exactly what you've desired of her, crawl around on the floor and suck.)

That works great for men, but like CBS, I want to make sure I don't discriminate. What if you're a straight woman? Getting yourself a pap smear (What's the record for saying pap smear in a single blog entry?) would just come across as selfish. Remember, this is the season for giving. So what can you give?

Jewish? It still works.

Just to make sure you're reading this right, the most important thing you can do for your man this winter is to have someone stick their fingers up his butt. And don't think you won't get something out of his visit to the assman for yourself. It comes with free heterosexual confirmation to make sure you don't have ANOTHER boyfriend/husband turn gay. If he enjoys his appointment, it might be time to move on.

Welcome to the most wonderful time of the year

The past few weeks, it seems as though people have really been on edge, and who can blame them? The Red Sox are playing well which means their fans have returned to their unbearable levels of smug. The Yankees are likely to join them in the playoffs, which pisses everybody else off. However, baseball isn't the only source of frustration.

Beyonce was robbed of the MTV Video Music Award for best female video by Taylor Swift, no less. I guess watching the two videos, Kanye had a point. I mean, Beyonce did make one of the best videos of all time! (By the way, who determined that Taylor Swift should write her own songs? At some point, shouldn't her manager pull her aside and inform her that they sound exactly the same? And that they aren't good in the first place? And for the record, if you think dressing like this will score you the hot guy you want when the competing girl is dressed like this, well, that's just crazy. Besides, what kind of message does it send 12-year-old girls? That you can be ugly and still get the hot guys? False. One more thing. Her genre is 100% pop with less country than Pepsi has nutritional value, so please, for the love of all that's sacred, stop calling her a country singer.)

Congressman Joe Wilson shouted "You lie" during the president's speech about health care, but what nobody's talking about is that he was using an earpiece to listen to ESPN radio. When they said his South Carolina Gamecocks would only win three games this year, he simply couldn't contain himself. Don't hate the player, hate ESPN.

But now that the fall is here, tempers have eased, and civility has been restored. The weather has cooled, football has kicked off, and scripted television has returned. As a result, the focus of this blog is likely going to change from a state of entropy to something discussing the shows worth watching on the TV. Of course, I promise I won't stop making fun of stupidity. It might even stop me from running out of things to write about.

Obviously, the summer wasn't without its share of shows worth watching. Shows like Entourage started in the summer (with Sloan featured in a much more prominent role), but with the majority of new programming being reality shows, there was little worth scheduling around. Thankfully, it's the most wonderful time of the year for couch potatoes.

End of boring post.

Proof that the world is screwed up

Forgive me for being late to the party on this, but legendary musician Michael Jackson died at the ripe old age of 49. You already knew that? Oh.

In other news, Brooks and Dunn have decided to split up. The country duo that formed in 1991 and has won every single country duo award since then decided that this will be their final tour together. I actually can't believe they even have an award for best country duo. Are there others? At the very least, they did inspire this blog greatly with their song Put a Girl in It. (Make sure to turn the volume down before clicking that link.) Best advice ever, and the inspiration for including Miss Strahovski in this post (Want more? Watch Chuck.) even though she's not mentioned again.Though this is probably very upsetting to fans, it's hardly unexpected to those of us with a complete set of teeth. Breaking up was the most logical career move as Brooks and Dunn can now sing about losing their dog, their truck, their wife, and now, each other. Just not together.

Sticking with the country music topic, I just saw this video of Taylor Swift pranking Keith Urban. (Again with the muting.) If this is exciting for a country concert, why on earth do people go? Oh, the song was called "I Want a Kiss." That changes everything. Now seeing Taylor Swift dressed as Paul Stanley makes perfect sense. It's still not funny, but I get it.

Since I'm focusing on news that's at least weeks old, you probably heard about Best Buy selling TVs online for $9.99 and then reneging on the deal, which was lame. However, what you may have missed was a less impressive deal that was being offered on the black market. I imaging the exchange between husband and wife would have proceeded as follows.

Wife: Honey, can you help me get this box out of the car? It's too heavy for me.

Husband: It's the 2 minute warning. Can it wait a few minutes?

W: But you know the last two minutes always take 20.

H: Aww, come on, Honey.

W: It's your loss.

H: Thanks.... Wait. What's that mean?

W: Well, you know how you wanted a bigger TV for our anniversary last month? But we ended up getting new towels for the bathroom?

H: Yeah...

W: Well, go get the box.

H: But there's still 1:58 left. Wait. They just called a time out. I'm on it.

...

H: You bought a $2000 TV without consulting me?

W: That's not even the best part.

H: That wasn't even a good part...

W: You'll never guess the deal I got on it.

H: Just tell me.

W: No, you have to guess.

H: Well, it was originally $2000, I don't know. $3000?

W: Nope. It was only a hundred bucks.

H: One hundred dollars for a 37" TV? Are you sure the box isn't empty?

W: You tell me.

(opens the box)

H: Dear?

W: Are you excited?

H: You bought me a damn oven door.

W: What? The guy said he needed to make rent and was selling his TV.

H: You just spent $100 on an oven door THAT DOESN'T COME WITH AN OVEN.

W: Honey, don't be mad. I was really trying to do something sweet.

H: Whatever. You better get the money back. NOW.

W: But I need to get ready for my shift at the club tonight.

H: I don't care. Go get my money back.

W: Fine.

(Goes into house to get keys. Comes out with frying pan. Hits husband over his head with pan. Goes to prison. The end.)

Shaqtastic vs. Shaqesque

Tonight, Shaq Vs. debuted on ABC thus marking the start of the most anticipated reality show since American Gladiators was reborn, got really full of itself, and was quickly rekilled. At least, it's the one I'm looking forward to the most.

As everybody knows, the only thing bigger than Shaq is his personality. The show was born because he claimed he can compete with any athlete at any sport. The first episode will feature O'Neal taking on Ben Roethlisberger. (I only know how to spell that because they just flashed his name on the screen.) I'll be keeping a running diary with my thoughts below, so if you plan to watch the show on Hulu, you should probably do that first then continue.

The show's off to a bit of a boring start. There have been a few highlights, Shaq complaining that the SUV that picked him up at the airport was too small, for example, but so far it's just been talking. Shaq now claims that he's doing this because it's the ultimate cross training to get him ready to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

The funniest moment so far: Big Ben challenged Shaq to make a free throw in his backyard court, which he missed "on purpose." A competitive game of HORSE followed with the football player winning and getting to dunk on Shaq as his prize.

It's now 9:15, and the announcer just exclaimed excitedly that we're less than 20 minutes away from the game which is a 7-on-7 competition with Shaq quarterbacking one team and Roethlis...eh, screw it...the other guy throwing for the other team. So it turns out that you only really need to watch the last 20 minutes to see the exciting (and hopefully hilarious) part. In the mean time, and since I'm currently watching a commercial break, enjoy this ad:

Charissa Thompson? Who? Where's Erin Andrews?!?! Isn't Shaq big enough to command the presence of Miss Andrews? Weak. Wait. No, this could work alright.

Ben just declared that if he loses he'll probably be too embarrassed to continue playing football. As though anybody wasn't rooting for Shaq initially... Oh, and it just got better! Shaq has squeezed into the biggest set of pads ever made. And they're still too small.

(I just saw a commercial for a new Courtney Cox show called Cougartown. I haven't been this unexcited for a new sitcom since Worst Week started up. I guess we are a little short on sitcoms featuring marginally attractive women manipulating men.)

Finally. Game time. Extra rules? I've got plenty. Three possessions each. No field goals. No running plays. Quarterbacks only play offense. Until now. On Ben's second possession, Shaq jumped from the sidelines, intercepted a pass on the sideline, and took it 70 yards for a touchdown. Unfortunately, that didn't stand, and the game resumed as it was. It's quite impressive watching Shaq outrun NFL wide receivers.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! With the score tied, Shaq's pass was intercepted in the endzone meaning another Ben touchdown will win the game. It's fitting that he's wearing the black jerseys. Game over. Ben wins. And NFL fans everywhere lose.

Next week: Shaq takes on Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball. I'll be watching.

Overall, the show isn't terrible. Unfortunately, it's not as ridiculous as I was hoping for. Obviously, being a professional athlete, Shaq will take the game seriously once it's time to go. Hopefully, beach volleyball or swimming or hot dog eating will provide more laughs.

Sweeping the Clouds Away

This November, Sesame Street, the show that taught most of us how to count will turn begin its 40th season. Though I haven't watched it in decades, I may have to set the DVR to record the episode that features Ricky Gervais as its special guest. As entertaining as the outtakes with Elmo are, I'm more excited to be taught how to count in English. The British English, not the dumbed down version we speak in America. In the mean time, enjoy the clip below.



Of course, Ricky Gervais is responsible for the British version of The Office and for importing the show to the United States. Since I watch about 18 hours of TV each day and especially love The Office, I find Gervais to be exceptionally funny on his show(s), doing standup, or just a casual interview. If you don't or your religion doesn't allow you to laugh, you might as well stop reading.



In 2007, Ricky won an Emmy for his role on Extras which made for one of the funniest (and oddly erotic) moments in award show history.



And another even funnier one in 2008.



Finally, as if that wasn't enough, Ricky makes fun of fat people.

Breaking News!

Starting tomorrow, you'll need a digital converter box to view broadcast networks nationwide. Odds are that if you're reading this, you'll need to run out to Best Buy and pick one up since this is likely the first time you've heard the startling news. It angers me to no end that such little notice was given to prepare everybody for such a drastic transition and moreso that the cost of such a switch was placed entirely on the consumer. Thank goodness for Congressional action otherwise nobody's television set would have worked when they woke up on February 17. Presumably because they realized that nobody was aware of the pending situation, their action was enough to delay the transition for four months, until June 12. I, for one, am ecstatic to be living in a country whose leaders are in tune with what really matters. However, it's more than a little upsetting to see that the extra time has failed epically in accomplishing its goal of allowing all Americans to be ready.

However, that's not the part I'll miss the most. I'm sure to feel empty without the 18 commercials each hour warning of the impending switch that aired for the past few months, if not years. That said, I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to have seen extra ones over the last four months.

To deal with my despondence over losing the fuzzy picture, I looked online for analog TV support groups. Unfortuantely and much to my surprise, I had no luck. However, I discovered something far more interesting, as a quick Google search reveals that the government has been undertaking a 15 year transition since early NINETEEN NINETY-FIVE! (Sorry for yelling. I'm not mad at you. Unless you're one of the 3,000,000 idiots who haven't bought a box yet...or a new TV...or cable.) I came to the realization that the government has been doing everything right and I really need to focus my anger about the lack of knowledge on the media.

That said, this is not the proper time for anger since we'll have plenty of time to point fingers after the event is complete. So please, as analog television lies on its deathbed, please feel free to post your favorite analog TV memories in the comments section. An obituary will follow.