Power Rankings - Christmas Gifts for Tiger Woods

No. 10 - A new six iron

You would probably assume that for a golfer, replacing a club his vindictive (and rightfully so) wife ruined by smashing his window. That said, I'm convinced Tiger could win the Masters with a 3 wood, pitching wedge, and putter which is the reason the six iron comes in at number 10. That, and Nike probably provided him with a new set three weeks ago.

No. 9 - A gift certificate to the Bunny Ranch

The Bunny Ranch is one of the more prominent houses of ill repute in Las Vegas and the subject of an HBO late night documentary series. Or so I've been told.

No. 8 - A Segway

Had Tiger not had to take the time to fire up his Escalade, he might have been able to get away cleanly. His window would not have been broken, and he would have looked a whole lot cooler during his desperate attempt to flee. Unless he had to go uphill...or hit a fire hydrant.

No. 7 - A second cell phone

I'm not sure why he didn't have a couple to begin with. My assumption would be that he carried an iPhone in one pocket with a Blackberry in the other. My assumption appears as though it would be wrong. Also, with the new phone, I'd suggest NOT using your ladies' real names.

No. 6 - Adult videos

I know. I know. "Why would a guy who can attain 15 affairs need porn?" Because if the wife catches you with porn, you sleep on the couch. If she catches you with another woman, she'll get possession of it.

No. 5 - False teeth

I imagine putting would be quite difficult when you can't stop whistling through the gap where your tooth used to be.

No. 4 - Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG)

As if Tiger's personal relationships weren't enough of a news item, his trainer is being investigated for distributing steroids. So what is hCG? A woman's hormone that seems to be used for masking the use of steroids. I don't know if Tiger's guilty of juicing, but it wouldn't hurt to try this stuff out since, if nothing else, he clearly already has abnormally high testosterone levels.

No. 3 - Shatterproof car windows

Obviously, Tiger needs a new rear driver's side window. I'd suggest shatterproof this time, for obvious reasons. Then again, if this one had been impenetrable, his wife never would have been able to break it and drag him to safety after his unfortunate driving.

No. 2 - Fake mustaches

I'd recommend the kind that comes complete with the new nose and stylish glasses. Either way, his new ladies won't know his identity, and his next marriage won't be wrecked by the same mistakes. Who wants a mustache ride?

No. 1 - "I still love you, please don't take half my stuff" ring

The tried and true method for apologizing for cheating on your wife. As Kobe Bryant showed, the standard size is 8 carats per affair. That puts Tiger up to about a 120 carat ring.

Power Rankings - Christmas Cookies and Candy

Continuing in my week-long series on Christmas Power Rankings, day two will focus on the cookies most worthy of being staked out. Instead of fighting over the crappy cookies, I'd recommend choosing the ones on this list to make your stand. Of course, if there's only one left regardless of which kind, anything goes. All that said, if you'd rather use this post for good, just click the name to get a recipe.

10. Snowball Cookies

Though certainly not the worst cookies you'll encounter, it's not something I'll be filling myself with. That said, I would imagine most people would enjoy almonds with a bit of cookie holding it together and smothered in powdered sugar.

9. Rum Balls

There's always room on this list for a cookie with rum in it. Unfortunately, there's not a lot in these that will make you drunk. You're better off about making another trip to that box of wine. That doesn't mean that don't taste good.

8. Anise Cookies

I've always equated these to being the traditional Christmas cookie. Their taste is decent - albeit a bit like licorice - but unspectacular. The real benefit that these cookies will bring to the table in their ability to be easily decorated.

7. Ginger Snaps

Who doesn't love tearing apart a gingerbread house? This is like getting to do that without the hassle of building one and wasting time separating the gingerbread from the gumdrops, which are good, but not together.

6. Gumdrops

Unlike the rest of these, I've never encountered homemade gumdrops, but that doesn't mean they don't belong. That said, be warned of licorice and clove. The best part? You'll be picking them out of your teeth for weeks.

5. Peanut Butter Kiss Cookies

I'm not sure what makes these Christmas cookies. They don't have Christmas colors or traditional Christmas flavors. Why can't we make these in July? I think I've just discovered my life's mission.

4. Christmas Wreaths

These are essentially Rice Krispy Treats made with Corn Flakes and tons of green food coloring with cinnamon red hots acting as berries. If they weren't such a hassle to make (It's impossible to resist drinking the first batch of butter/marshmallow concoction. Then, you need to take time for vomiting.), they'd rate higher.

3. Peppermint Bark

I've never had this homemade either, but I imagine it wouldn't be too difficult. If Paula Deen can do it, I'm sure I can. And if Paula Deen cooks it, you know it's too unhealthy to taste bad.

2. Chocolate Chip Cookies

So I know these aren't inherently Christmas cookies, and I know they aren't as fancy as the other ones here. But many times I stare at the tray of cookies and end up with chocolate chip. Perhaps the popularity drives me to get mine before everybody else gets there's.

1. Forgotten Cookies

There's really no way to categorize this cookie. The best I can do is to describe it as dried frosting, only much fluffier. Make it with or with out the chocolate chips, it's the world's best cookie either way.

Power Rankings - Christmas Songs You've Never Heard

Sticking with the theme du jour, I've decided to put together a week of power rankings related to Christmas. First things first, since you can only listen to Christmas music for about 5 weeks a year (and two of those are already gone) without drawing strange looks from the guy in the cubicle next to you (despite his jamming to Alanis Morrisette), I'll start with those.

5. Christmas with the Devil (Spinal Tap)

Spinal Tap, most notable for their documentary film, performed this song for the Arsenio Hall Show. Unfortunately, the video is old and the audio isn't very high quality. (I suppose some of you will suggest that it's actually the quality of the song that's not good, but I digress.) Hopefully, your speakers go to 11.

4. The Chanukah Song (Neil Diamond)

Unfortunately, the song is the exact same as Adam Sandler's original, but there's just something about throwing in a random "ba ba baaaa" into the song as in: "Chanukah is the festival of lights. (Ba ba baaaa)"

3. Another Christmas Song (Stephen Colbert)

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A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song
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Performed as part of his 2008 Christmas special (available now on DVD) as a shameless self promotion, the song is sure to never become a Christmas favorite, but that's fine because it will be on this list for years to come.

2. Jingle Bells (The Detroit Pistons c. 2006)

Words escape me.

1. O Holy Night (Eric Cartman)

O Holy Night was my favorite Christmas song as a child. At this point, not so much. And then I heard Cartman sing it. I know it's a pretty common song, but it's still worth posting. If you want originality, try this.

The good and bad of Christmas specials

Few things are more pleasing to me than coming home from work flipping on the TV and watching the flickering colors until I fall asleep in my chair 6 hours later. I know, I know, sleep is for the weak. So is reading, hypocrite. Regardless, I've found an increasingly annoying number of Christmas specials to be replacing worthwhile television programming. So in my effort to do all of your thinking for you, allow me to advise you as to which ones are worth watching.

Before continuing, allow me to explain that I will not comment on Christmas movies, regardless of whether or not they were made for TV (A Diva's Christmas Carol). Here's a day-by-day schedule filled mostly with atrocities that details the crap we'll be subjected to over the next few weeks. My only regret is that I didn't realize they started back in March.

First and foremost, if you live in the United States, as I assume most of you do, count your lucky stars that the winners of your reality singing competitions look like this, and not like this. That's right, last night Carrie Underwood hosted a Christmas special on FOX. Don't worry if you missed it, she'll grace our TVs once again on December 22, and though it's not there yet, I'd assume it'll be on Hulu.com soon. In the mean time, our Limey counterparts will be graced by the lovely presence of Susan Boyle. I can't criticize her singing, but perhaps a radio special is more appropriate.

On a more traditional front, you all know about Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, neither of which will have me putting the remote down, but to each his own, I suppose. However, to prove that making horrible sequels isn't new, I submit Rudolph's Shiny New Year. It's a touching tale of Rudolph rescuing Baby New Year before midnight and thus allowing the New Year to commence, a story based on the little known second verse of the classic carol. As far as Frosty the Snowman goes, it's sequel, which included an aerosol spray that immediately melted snow leave a bit to be desired as well. Though not as bad as Rudolph's second installment, it's only worth your time if you can get out of work to view it. There is one Frosty sequel that's worth your time (because it's only two minutes long). That and Foxnews.com really doesn't want you to watch it. (Note to Fox: If you don't want people to watch it, the most effective way to keep people away is DEFINITELY to write a scathing post complete with links.)

In looking through the schedule, I notice a gratuitous lack of classic shows. Below are some of my favorite Christmas specials and episodes. Also, Fanpop has provided a list of 101 specials with links to where you can watch them.

Seinfeld

WKRP in Cincinnati (part 2)

ALF's Special Christmas

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

The Honeymooners (part 2) (part 3)