The biggest reason I don't mind being a grownup

I know I'm a little late to the party here, but one of the Jonas Brothers is engaged. I know. I know. You don't care. You would if Michael Jackson hadn't died in the same week, but a person can only feign interest in one celebrity-centered over-covered news story at a time. Here's how I see it, and therefore, how you should see it.

Nick is apparently 21 which means he's definitely old enough to be totally sure of his future. Except that his future probably includes less screaming 13-year-olds with more hotel lounges and cheap cruises. I guess since the whole idea of marriage works so well for celebrities that I really don't have room to question them. Just ask Megan Fox's ex.

However, you can't fault him for wanted to lock her up early. The way I see it, the "band" have about 6 months left before their novelty wears off and they join the ranks of boy bands before them. And Creed. At that point, the glasses he's wearing in the picture would just look ridiculous. (Note that I would normally put a picture like this up to mock the person I'm writing about in a situation like this. However, EVERY single picture of Nick Jonas shows him wearing equally retarded sunglasses. Seriously, how lucky is his fiance?)

So how long before we can stop pretending the Jonas Brothers are talented musicians? Probably as soon as the other two brothers get engaged. My suspicion is that's the point when all the 45-year-old women will stop swooning and consequently stop buying their stupid daughters these crappy CDs and concert tickets. Don't worry about how long it might take, I hear the youngest one already has a boyfriend, which leads to my 6 month prediction.

While we await their inevitable (and hopefully disgraceful) fall from fame, here's a song (and album) worth listening to over and over again. And if you decide you don't like it, watch this, then listen to it again. You'll change your tune.

The first amendment

Since it's the Fifth of July and fireworks (or maybe gunshots) are exploding outside of my apartment again tonight, I wanted to make one more post before the end of the holiday weekend about the beauty of America. Tonight, I want to focus on two things that I, as an American, hold most dear: baseball and the freedom of speech. Nothing brings those together quite like managers who feel slighted, so I've decided to scour Youtube for such clips and bring the best of those to you below.

Blowup 1: The manager of the Rome Braves disagrees with an umpire's assertion that the flyball one of his players hit was a foul ball. The first minute his simply yelling and nothing special, but it gets interesting (read as: original) at the 1:10 mark.

Blowup 2: Atlanta Braves manager Bobby Cox holds the all-time record for being thrown out of the game. For years, the Braves have had an excellent farm system that produces quality major league players and seems to be training the managers in the same light. This clip features Phil Wellman, and more importantly features incredible comedic action the entire clip.

Blowup 3: I have no idea who this is or what happened. The manager didn't really go nuts, but I love this video for two reasons. First of all, it must be noted that this umpire had to work the field since it's tough for an oompa loompa to see over the catcher. More notably, I think you have to appreciate the effort that the umpire put into running the coach. You just don't see form like that from Major League Umpires.



Blowup 4: This is the most defensive reaction I've ever seen an umpire have.



Blowup 5: Just to prove that getting tossed isn't exclusive to the minors, I bring you a clip of former Baltimore Orioles manager Earl Weaver. The best part of this clip is that the conversation is clearly audible and genuinely funny. Be warned though, arguments with Weaver tend to be rather non-PC and contains extensive strong language.

Bacon on the Fourth of July

Traditionally, I celebrate Independence Day weekend by watching Americans dominate England, this time, across the pond. Yesterday, I revelled in Andy Roddick eliminating the final Englishman from the Wimbledon Semifinals. This morning I'm watching Williams sisters in their All-American final and am a little confused. I thought the women's final was this morning. I'm not sure what kind of father would name their sons Venus and Serena, but I have a suspect in mind.

As thrilling as women's tennis is when neither participant is particularly attractive, I still seem to find my mind wandering. Perhaps the Fourth of July inpires a sense of nostalgia for me, but I find myself thinking about the greatest contribution the United States has given the world. I'm not discussing democracy or baseball or even electricity but something far more enjoyable: bacon. More properly, the ability to combine bacon with just about every other food on earth and make it taste good.

Truthfully, my inspiration for this comes from the meals I enjoyed
yesterday, a fire-pit bacon burger at Applebees and homemade pizza with toppings of bacon and pepperoni. Fifteen years ago, the only time I ever remember eating bacon was for brunch on Sunday mornings served on the side of fried eggs. Shortly after that, bacon started showing up in salads and on variations of the Egg McMuffin. However, it seems that only recently have we discovered the joys of topping something as inherently delicious as a cheeseburger or a pizza with such indulgence.

However, the bacon mania doesn't end there. Here's a short list of foods that go better with bacon: everything. Perhaps most notably, I've discovered a way to Americanize bacon even further. And once you're done with the deep fryer, you can enjoy bacon with your dessert, which are now starting to feature the popular smoked meat. It's a topping on donuts and even served drizzled in chocolate sauce. As if that's not enough, once you return from your hot date, there could be a pleasant surprise waiting for you at second base.

Of course, there are critics out there who will take a break from chain smoking to warn you against gorging on bacon, even using H1N1, formerly referred to as swine flu, as a reason despite the fact that it wasn't contractible through ingestion of pork. (Speaking of pork, Serena Williams just won Wimbledon, which means the match took less time than it took me to write this post. More importantly, I've just been informed that I've been watching the women's final and not the men's as I previously thought. My apologies to the Williams sisters.) There are those out there who claim that bacon will lead to a decrease in health and lead to things like heart disease. Very clearly, those people are communists who hate enjoying life almost as much as they hate America. So on this July 4th, take some time to honor America, and put some bacon on it.

Strawberries and cream...and rum?

The only tennis tournament I'll make it a point to watch...sometimes. I'm not sure what causes me to take an interest in watching a sport with almost no contact. Perhaps I enjoy the tradition that the tournament hosts. It could that I look for every excuse to eat strawberries and cream with champagne for breakfast. (British tennis fans will consume about 17,000 bottles of champagne during the annual fortnight. By definition, champagne is produced only the Champagne region of France. In case you're unaware, the English don't exactly like the French. Just ask this girl. It would seem that Britain would consider using a different drink to avoid giving so much money to their arch nemesis each year. Alas, I digress.) However, the most likely reason for my interest is simple. Wimbledon's schedulers are geniuses as they know to put beauty ahead of talent.

I would imagine the idea for doing this came at about the time Anna Kournikova became the most popular tennis player in the world despite never winning a single tournament in her illustrious career. It's fairly easy to see why women's tennis would appeal to the male demographic in recent years, but how do they choose which men to schedule at Centre Court? (No, I didn't misspell "center." Blame the silly Brits for not knowing how to spell words in the language named for their own country.)

For years, it was simple. Pete Sampras was the most dominant tennis player in Wimbledon history. Though his chest-fro never did much for me, I had no objections to his wife, Ms. Veronica Vaughn. Problem solved.

Now what does any of this have to do with rum? I'm glad you asked. Bacardi decided to market their Breezers, which I can only assume tastes like watered down cough syrup, with an ad campaign essentially telling women that all they have to do to be attractive is surround themselves with ugly friends. Of course, this got the feminist blogosphere up in arms, and the campaign has since been pulled. Presumably, they were upset at the fact that their pictures were used in the campaign. Either that or women think we still haven't figured that out.

It would seem that Bacardi made a serious error in judgment while choosing their marketing slogan, but I'm not sure that's the case. For one thing, there's no such thing as bad publicity. However, it's bigger than that. Bacardi clearly understood the role that sex plays in tennis, so they decided to play it up themselves to chip away at the stranglehold champagne has on the tournament.